


Eager Wings

by irontallica666



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Castiel, Angels, Bad Decisions, Chuck is God, Destiel - Freeform, Feelings, Ghost Kevin, Human Castiel, M/M, SPN - Freeform, Supernatural - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-18
Updated: 2015-05-11
Packaged: 2018-03-18 11:25:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 37,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3567899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irontallica666/pseuds/irontallica666
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Now that Cas is human, some things are a lot harder to do, but it has is plus sides. Feelings, for one thing, are both pleasant and not pleasant, except when they involve Dean.<br/>Nor Dean, Cas or Sam know whether Cas will ever get his grace back, and what is going on with Metatron in heaven. Luckily, they get some help from Charlie and a certain other angel.<br/>Together, they try to do what's right, and it leads them to doing things they never thought they'd be doing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there! This another fic I'm working on. It's the Supernatural Universe, and Cas is human. There are a lot of things happening in this fic, and I just wanted to warn you: some things go like they went in the show itself, but others don't. This work is fiction, and all what didn't happen in the show is my own imagination. Also, the events in this fic are not in sync with the show, so please don't get mad at me for not placing events in the right order.  
> Thank you for reading and I hope y'all enjoy this fic :)

“Dean!” Cas shouted. “Dean, I need help.”

Dean groaned and rolled over. “What is it?”

“I don’t know how to brush my teeth,” Cas replied, a bit shameful.

“Really? That’s what you woke me up for at…” Dean looked at his watch. “5.30 in the morning? What the hell did you have to get up for that early?”

“I… I don’t know,” Cas said. “I just woke up and when humans wake up they dress themselves right?” He still didn’t understand humanity to the fullest and Dean wasn’t exactly helping.

Dean sighed. “Humans dress themselves when they want to or have to. Now, have you had enough sleep?”

Cas thought about that question, trying to understand what he was feeling. “I don’t know,” he decided. “I went to sleep at 4 in the morning… is that enough?”

“Of course not!” Dean replied. Only 1.5 hours of sleep isn’t enough, Cas, even I need my 4 hours. C’mon, go back to sleep.”

Cas walked back into the room, pajama pants still on, but his shirt unbuttoned and the toothpaste and brush in his hands. He looked a bit sad, which was kinda cute in combination with messy hair.

Dean sighed again. “When you wake up again, I will help you, okay? But please, go to sleep, it’s too damn early to be awake. What were you doing till 4am anyways?

Cas looked at the ground. “I was… watching over you,” he said. “But then I felt… tired and I realized I can’t watch over you anymore. I can’t protect you when you’re asleep.” He sounded really sad.

“Hey,” Dean said. “Before you were here, I have managing to protect both myself and Sam for many years. And there are really good things for humans too, trust me, once you understand what you feel, you’ll be happy to eat, sleep or do human things in regular.”

That seemed to cheer Cas up a bit and he nodded, thinking about what Dean had said.

“So… you’ll go to sleep now?” Dean asked.

“Yes Dean, I will. Thanks for helping me.” Cas put his shirt off and stepped back into his bed.

Dean and Cas shared a room with separate beds. Sam slept in another room, leaving it to Dean to teach Cas about humanity. He didn’t hate Cas, but he just thought Dean was better with kids and, in fact, Cas could be compared with a kid.

So while Dean answered al Cas’ questions, Sam could get his sleep. He hadn’t minded sharing a room with his brother, but he had gotten used to having separate rooms in the bunker, so he liked a bit privacy too now.

Cas was trying to sleep, but he just couldn’t get it. He tried things people said to him to help him get some sleep, but how could he possibly count sleep if there were no sheep to be counted? He didn’t understand. Again, he looked at Dean, who was fast asleep.

Dean looked tired, with bags under his eyes. Was it because of Cas? Was it because Cas kept asking questions? Dean would act really annoyed sometimes. But Dean did other things that made him tired too; hunting wasn’t an easy job to do.

Cas felt guilty for waking Dean up once again, he really needed his sleep. But so did Cas, and he had no other choice.

“Dean? Deaaann…? Are you awake?”

Dean muttered something and went back to sleep. Suddenly, something was touching his shoulder. In a reflex, he grabbed the gun he always had under his pillow, and put it in front of who or whatever was there. He blinked a few times and finally saw Cas who stood there, a bit shocked.

Dean pulled the gun away. “I’m sorry, Cas, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said. “It’s just…”

“It’s okay, Dean, I understand. Don’t get mad at me but I still can’t sleep.”

Dean sighed, he couldn’t just keep being awake just because Cas couldn’t sleep. If he didn’t have his four hours, it’d make him so grumpy the next day. He looked at Cas, who was just standing there in pajama pants, no shirt, a little sweaty and a sad look on his face.

Damn, soon he needed to learn Cas how to shave. He dozed off for a second, and suddenly remembered why he was awake in the first place. His eyes snapped back open, Cas still hadn’t moved. “Okay,” Dean said. “C’mon, get in your bed.”

Cas looked confused, but he did what Dean said. He lied under the sheets and then Dean stood next to his bed. Cas laid on his side while Dean made the sheets more comfortable and at last, he just sat next to Cas. He looked up and after a moment of silence, Dean started singing.

_“Hey Jude, don’t make it bad_

_Take a sad song and make it better”_

Cas remembered the song from when he touched Dean’s forehead. He had seen the memories of his mother, singing this song when Dean couldn’t sleep.

_“Remember to let her into your heart_

_Then you can start to make it better”_

Dean’s voice, so gruff, was singing softly, and it matched perfectly with the song. Cas understood why Dean loved it so much when his mother sang it.

_“Hey Jude, don’t be afraid_

_You were made to go out and get her”_

Cas felt the sleep come back, and he drifted away to the sound of Dean’s voice.

_“The minute you let her under your skin_

_Then you begin to make it better”_

Dean, who saw Cas finally fell asleep, sat there for another minute, singing to himself. When he was done he went to bed, facing Cas. He looked at his best friend, happy he was finally asleep. 

And with that image and the sound of his mother’s voice, he also drifted away in a peaceful sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

When Dean woke up again, it was 8am. He would’ve slept longer but decided to get a shower and dress before Cas woke up. That way, he had a moment of privacy instead of trying to shave himself and answering Cas’ endless questions about every aspect of humanity at the same time.

He looked over at Cas, who was still asleep. Not that big of a surprise with the amount of sleep he has had.

Once Dean was done, he threw on a pair of jeans and a simple plain black shirt, and tried to wake up Cas.

First, he checked under Cas’ pillow, but no weapons were hidden. Then, he thought of how he had always woken up Sam. He turned on the small radio in the room.

_“It was the heat of the moment_

_Telling me what your heart meant_

_Heat of the moment_

_Shone in your eyes”_

Dean groaned. He hated this song. Sam had told him about the endless Tuesdays he had to survive, and every time this song came on, Sam flinched. When Dean changed the channel, AC/DC was playing, and he smiled. Much better.

When Cas didn’t wake up with the music, Dean decided to do it the other way. He grabbed Cas shoulders and shook till Cas woke up. But it didn’t have that much effect when Cas just rolled over and went back to sleep.

“No late night parties for you,” Dean mumbled.

He thought of the last way to wake up Cas, which he probably wasn’t gonna like. “You’ve had your chances of getting woken up the nice way,” he said matter-of-factly as he walked to the bathroom to get a glass of water.

Slowly, he poured the water on Cas’ face. It worked, and Cas’ eyes snapped open. He looked so shocked, Dean couldn’t help but laugh.

“What was _that?”_ Cas asked, still looking shocked.

“You wouldn’t wake up when I tried to be nice, so I figured out water was the only thing that was left,” Dean said, still laughing. “C’mon, get a shower, it will help and the water is warm instead of cold.”

After 10 minutes he heard Cas calling his name. He knocked on the bathroom door to let Cas know he was there.

“What’s it, Cas?”

“Dean, do you remember last night?”

Dean thought about it for a second. “Yeah, I do. Why?”

“Well, you said you’d help me with this human stuff, right?”

Dean remembered his promise. “Sure, can I come in?”

The door opened and Cas was in his pajama pants again, with no shirt. His hair was even worse than the usual messy bed-hair. Now, it was still a bit wet and damp from the shower. Dean wondered why he noticed such small details.

“Okay, well, first you need to get pants and a shirt.”

The pants weren’t a problem; Cas had his jeans from the day before. But it was the button-up shirt Cas was struggling with. After a few tries, he just gave up and looked at Dean with his pleading eyes.

Dean couldn’t resist the puppy eyes and started buttoning Cas’ shirt. Sometimes he would accidentally touch Cas’ skin, and Cas shivered a little.

“Sorry, Cas, my fingers are a bit cold compared to your just-showered body,” he apologized.

“It’s okay, Dean. I am grateful you are doing this for me.” Cas answered before looking at the toothpaste. “I still don’t know how to brush my teeth.”

Dean laughed a little, and told Cas he had to put the paste on the toothbrush. Cas did as he said, and waited.

“Now you just start bru-“ Dean stopped when he realized Cas had no idea how. “Okay, I’ll show it to you.” He took the brush in his own hand, and Cas’ chin in his other. He started to brush Cas’ teeth, telling exactly what he did while Cas looked in the mirror.

It was weird, for both of them, but they didn’t care. Cas was happy he finally knew how to brush his teeth and Dean was just glad Sam wasn’t here.

When he was done, Cas spit out the toothpaste and cleaned his mouth like he had seen Dean doing it the night before. When he looked back at Dean, he got a approving nod.

Both of them looked in the mirror at Cas.

“you want your tie today?” Dean asked after a moment of silence, and Cas nodded. Dean tied it around Cas’ neck while Cas just looked like he tried to understand something.

“Dean,” he said. “What are feelings?”

Dean stopped, and looked at Cas. “That’s really hard to explain,” he replied. “But I’ll try. Sometimes you feel something in your body, and it can be nice or not, and on different places. You probably know most of them from me, but now you can feel them too.”

He was done with Cas’ tie and looked across the room. “Where’s your jacket?” he asked.

Cas looked up, suddenly snapped out of his thoughts. “i… I don’t know, I don’t think I brought one,” he said.

“Well, you can’t wear a button-up with a tie but no jacket, so we’re gonna get that tie off and buy you a jacket today.”

Cas nodded and let Dean put off the tie, deep in his thoughts again. “Dean what is the feeling in my stomach?” he suddenly asked.

“Well that probably will be hunger, and now you say it, I’m pretty hungry too, so let’s go,” Dean replied, walking to the door.

“No it’s not hunger, it’s something else.”

“I don’t know, Cas, are you feeling sick? I told you you needed to sleep more.” Dean was a bit concerned, he couldn’t have Cas all throwing up in the impala.

“No I feel fine, more than fine actually. I just have the… urge to do something.”

“Cas what are you talking about? What urge?”

Cas stepped closer. “I just, your eyes tell me something, but I don’t know if that is okay.”

Dean sighed. “Do _what?”_ how could Cas read his eyes anyways? He wasn’t an angel any more, was this some fallen-angel ability? Back when he was an angel, Cas needed to touch Dean first before he could get any of Dean’s memories. What was he talking about?

Dean’s thoughts were interrupted by Cas who just whispered “this” and gently pressed his lips on Dean’s.

Dean, who was still handing the door knob, let it go, and just stood there for a second. He was completely in shock, and only snapped back to reality when Cas pulled back.

“I.. I’m sorry, I just…” he stumbled.

Dean put one hand in Cas’ messy hair,. A glorious feeling, and with the other he gently touched Cas’ cheek.

“Well, Cas,” he said with a grin. “that’s the feeling of liking someone.” And with that, he pulled Cas closer to kiss him.

He felt Cas’ hands sneaking around his waist and smiled in the kiss.

_And I like it,_ he thought before losing himself in the kiss.

 


	3. Chapter 3

“Looking good, Cas,” Sam said. The three of them sat in a small restaurant for breakfast. They were done with the case but they were too tired to drive to the bunker the night before.

“Thank you, Sam. Dean helped me,” Cas said, looking and Dean. “He also said I need a jacket.”

Sam looked a bit confused. “A jacket? Why that so?”

“I wanted to wear a tie, but Dean said I can’t wear a tie without a jacket,” Cas explained.

“And besides, if he goes with us, he needs to have a suit so…” Dean added.

“I assume you’re coming to the bunker with us then?” Sam asked, and Cas nodded.

“Only if that’s okay with you, I don’t want to cause any trouble.”

“Of course you can come, we have enough rooms. Do we need to pick up anything?”

Cas’ face dropped immediately. “No, I… I didn’t really have a home, so I don’t own anything besides the stuff I brought with me.”

“Well, looks like we got something to do today!” Dean said. “Shopping for Cas,” he added when both Sam and Cas looked confused. “He needs more clothes, and some other stuff. C’mon, finish your meal and we can go.”

Not long after they walked through the shopping mall. Cas had explained he lived at the store where he worked. “I just slept in a sleeping bag on the floor, it was more comfortable than outside,” he explained, looking a bit sad.

“But now you are gonna get your own room in the bunker,” Dean said, trying to lighten the mood. It worked, and they went on looking for clothes.

“How do humans find the clothes they want when there are _so many stores?”_  Cas asked to no one in particular as he looked around.

“Well, honestly,” Dean laughed. “I have no freaking idea. Me and Sam usually just go to whatever store there is on town and buy some clothes. This is sometimes a bit hard for Sammy here because not all shops sell moose sizes.”

They all laughed.

“So, what now?” Sam asked. “Just go the first one we see?”

Dean agreed and they just started in the store right before them.

The 1st store they went to didn’t have anything they wanted. Neither did the 2nd, nor the 3rd, 4th and 5th.

“Five stores,” Dean sighed. “ _Five stores_ and we didn’t find _anything?_ What kind of torture is this? I can’t feel my legs anymore!”

Sam sighed along. “Be happy you don’t feel anything. I rather feel nothing than the pain I’m feeling now.”

Cas just looked miserable. “I’m sorry,” he said.

“Whoa whoa whoa wait a second here; this is not your fault, Cas. You can’t help it. C’mon I see another store, maybe that one has got what we need.” Dean said.

They went inside and finally found what they were looking for. Jeans, shirts and even a few suits. Perfect. Sam and Dean walked around, picking clothes while Cas just stood there, looking around. He had never needed to go to a store to get clothes. He missed his angel “mojo”, as Dean would always say.

“Hey Cas, come here! We need to see if these clothes fit you!” he heard shouting from the other side of the store. Once he got there, Sam and Dean were waiting for him. They handed him some clothes and told him to put them on.

He went into the changing room, and slowly pulled off his trench coat. He hoped Sam and Dean would let him keep it.

Once he got out, he looked like a new Cas, new shirt, fresh looking jeans. It looked great on him.

“Okay, put your old clothes back on, now we have your size,” Sam said and soon they were walking all around the store, getting a lot of things that Cas would need.

They got him some pairs of jeans, some shirts, some button-ups, and even some sweaters. At last, they got him a beautiful suit, and 2 new ties. When they walked back to the Impala, Cas looked happy as ever. “Thanks so much, guys,” he said.

“Hey, it’s no problem at all,” Dean replied. “You needed them.”

They put the bags in the trunk and got in dean put on some music, and sung along to Metallica. Sam rolled his eyes, only to cause Dean turning the volume even more up.

“Dean, can you put the volume down?” he asked.

“Can’t hear you, music is too loud!” Dean smirked but turned the volume down anyways.

No one said anything, and for a while, the only sounds were Metallica and the roaring engine. Sam looked at the backseat, where he saw Cas sleeping against the window.

“Dean,” he said, still looking at Cas.

“Aww, ain’t he a little angel,” Dean joked.

Sam just glared at him. “shouldn’t you turn down the music?”

“Nah, he fell asleep with this, he can sleep through it.” Dean stated.

“How the hell did he even fall asleep to this?” Sam wondered, and Dean started laughing.

“Well, it doesn’t surprise me since he woke me up at 5.30 in the morning, told me he went to sleep at 4, and slept for a total of 2.5 hours. He really does need to learn a few things about humans, doesn’t he?” they both chuckled.

“Well, at least he doesn’t ask a thousand questions now,” Sam said.

Dean thought about Cas’ questions this morning, and drifted away for a moment. He had told Cas not to say anything about the kiss to Sam. Not yet.

“…and I really hope that’s okay with you,”

“I’m sorry, what?” Dean said.

“I said…” Sam started again, giving one of his best bitchfaces. “That I’m sorry for leaving Cas to you, but I am really really tired, and you’re the good one with kids so I hope you don’t mind, uh… raising Cas. Or however you wanna call it.”

Dean looked at him. “What do you mean I’m good with kids?”

Sam sighed, rolling his eyes. “Of course you’d pick out that part of what I said. I mean, kids seem to like you, and you always seem to convince them to do the right thing,” he explained.

“Yeah, because when I was that age, I couldn’t!” Dean said, somewhat louder than he had wanted. But now that Sam had told him that, his anger came back again.

“I didn’t _have_ any choice, and I don’t want all those kids to lead the life we had. I don’t want them to be _cursed._ I want them to go play outside without being afraid of the _real_ monsters! I make them choose the right thing, because I want them to have a _normal_ life, Sam!”

“Dean? Sam? Why are you yelling? What happened?” a voice from the backseat asked, and suddenly Dean and Sam realized they weren’t alone.

“I’m sorry, Cas, I didn’t mean to wake you. I’ll be quit now, go back to sleep,” Dean apologized.

Cas understood it was better to not say anything and closed his eyes. He had been around the Winchesters long enough to not join their discussions.

He tried to get back to sleep, but failed, so he heard Sam and Dean’s entire conversation.

And he didn’t like what he heard.


	4. Chapter 4

“Dean,” Sam said, his voice soft.

“No.”

“Dean, please, would you just-”

“I said no!”

They sat silent for a few minutes.

“Okay, listen. I don’t care what you think; I just want you to hear me out for one second. You don’t have to answer; you can ignore it but don’t interrupt me please. I really need to say this to you.”

Dean said nothing and continued looking at the road.

“Look, Dean, it isn’t your fault we’re like this. Dad made us do this and we had no other choice than to listen to him. We couldn’t choose the life we wanted, and you can’t blame yourself for that.

We’re doing this now, and no matter what you think, we can’t do anything else. You must accept it.”

Dean looked at him and put the music down.

“Do you really think that’s what all of this is about? No, Sammy, now _you_ gotta listen to _me._

I know we have to do this. I know we can’t turn back. But you, _you had a choice._ No, don’t give me that look. When mom died that night, that was the moment dad chose this life for us.

When we were young, he’d go hunting. And I stayed home. Protecting you. Because that was _my_ job. Dad hunted and I looked after you.

But when we got older, I went hunting with dad. You didn’t. you went to school, you went to college, you had a girlfriend, you had a _life,_ Sammy.

And I was okay with that. I accepted it, and I went on hunting with dad. I improved my skills and went on as i was supposed to. I became a hunter on my own, and I did a good job being it.

But that night, when I broke into your house, taking you with me to look for dad, I didn’t realize what I was doing. But now I do.

Because that night, I took everything from you. I brought you back into hunting. If I hadn’t done that, you’d still live your life, Sammy. You’d be graduated, living together with Jess, maybe even married by now.

You’d have children, a normal job, and everything you’ve ever wanted. And don’t tell me you didn’t, because you wouldn’t have gone to college if you didn’t want another life.

But when I took you with me, I failed my job. I failed to protect you. What if something had happened to you? I was glad we got back alive, but when I saved you from the demon that took Jess, the demon that took mom…

I knew I screwed up. I screwed up because you were meant to have the apple-pie-life, with Jess, away from hunting. Yet, I brought you back.

I knew you’d be in danger. And now, we’re sitting here, we’re hunting; we’ve been stabbed, kicked, tortured. We’ve been dead, more than once. We’ve been to hell, purgatory; we’ve been bitten and possessed.

We lost people, people we loved. And one day, I’m gonna lose you too. One day, I won’t be able to save you. And why? Because I failed my job. All because I took you with me to find dad.

And you know what? that’s what happens to everyone around me. Lisa and Ben. Bobby. Dad. Kevin. Everyone just gets hurt or is dead.

And now, you’re asking me to do the same to Cas. I can’t do that, Sammy. I can’t let him get hurt, or even die! He won’t be able to heal himself.

How will he protect himself? He can barely even _dress_ himself! He’s not a hunter and he won’t _ever_ become one. I can’t do this to him. He does have a choice, and I’m not gonna ruin his life by having him become a hunter.

I wanted you to have a normal life, Sammy. I wanted you to be happy and have a family on your own. You were supposed to die because of a heart attack, not because _frigging Lucifer possessed your body and getting you thrown into the cage with Michael to be dead for a year!_

I can’t teach Cas how to hunt. He will be in danger and I won’t be able to protect him.

I can’t even teach him about humanity, I’m barely human myself! What is he gonna learn from me? how to keep demons out? How to screw everything up? How to get drunk as fast as possible to not feel the pain?

I can’t do it, and you know that.

I can’t watch him doing all kinds of messed up things we do.

I can’t watch him putting himself in danger.

I can’t watch him putting himself in danger.

I can’t watch him going from an innocent human to the exact opposite.

I can’t watch him become someone… someone like _me."_


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to post this earlier but I couldn't because this work wasnt back yet after the maintenance, I am sorry for that. However, it's back now so I hope you enjoy!

It was dead silent in the car after Dean’s speech.

Dean just kept looking at the road in front of them, Cas was too tired and now that it was silent again, he was able to fall back asleep.

Sam thought about what Dean had just told him. He had been right; Sam wanted to have a normal life. But now, this was what his life looked like and he couldn’t do anything but accept it.

He didn’t know Dean still blamed himself for what happened to them. Dean had sounded mad, telling Sam all his thoughts of this and at the end, his voice just broke.

And Sam understood it; he didn’t want this life for Cas either. But what else were they supposed to do? Leave him somewhere with a normal human being who would never understood all Cas’ questions?

No, Sam still thought it was the best if Cas just stayed in the bunker with them. It was the safest place and they couldn’t just leave Cas for himself. Besides, throwing Cas out of the bunker would cause problems for both Cas and Sam and Dean. He was a part of their family now.

As Sam looked out of the window, he noticed it was getting dark already. They had been driving for a pretty long time.

After another hour of silence, except for the music Dean had put back on, the bunker came into sight. It was full dark outside. Dean put the keys out and went inside the bunker.

Sam let him go. He knew nothing good would happen if he tried to talk to Dean right now. He got out of the impala and put the door of the backseat open. “Hey, Cas? Wake up, we’re at the bunker.”

Cas murmured something and rubbed in his eyes.

“C’mon, once we’re inside, you can go back to sleep again,” Sam promised.

Cas just looked at him. “Where’s Dean?” he asked.

Sam didn’t know what to say. “He’s tired, he’s been driving for a long time and he didn’t get that much sleep last night either.”

Cas knew Sam was lying, he’d known the Winchesters for too long to not know when they were lying. He decided to not confront Sam with it until he had talked to Dean.

Dean would not be happy knowing Cas had heard him and Sam’s conversation, but eventually he would get over it. right now, the problem was what to do with Cas, who hoped he could stay in the bunker. He liked being around Dean.

He also liked Dean himself very much, but Dean had asked him not to say anything to Sam yet.

Cas and Sam got the bags with Cas’ stuff and went inside.

“Do you have a specific wish for a room or can I just give you a random one?” Sam asked.

“I don’t mind anything, as long as it has an actual bed, I’m fine,” Cas answered, happy he could sleep in a bed after all those nights on the floor at the Gas ‘N Sip.

Sam walked Cas to his room, put the bags down and turned around. “You need help with anything?”

Cas looked at him. “If you don’t mind… last night I couldn’t sleep and Dean tucked me in and it was very comfortable. Would you mind doing that for me?” he knew Sam was tired, but now that Dean wasn’t here, he didn’t know how he would be able to fall asleep.

“Of course, Cas. I’ll gladly help you,” Sam said, polite as always. When Cas had put off his shirt and put on sweatpants, Sam tucked him in. “I’m sorry I left you with Dean yesterday, it’s just… I was very very tired and I thought you could handle him,” he explained.

“It is okay, Sam. Thanks for doing this. Sleep well,” Cas replied.

“Goodnight Cas.”

Sam wasn’t that tired, so he decided to get a drink before he went to bed. When he walked to the kitchen, he saw Dean has had the same idea. Dean poured him a drink and they sat in silence.

“Dean,” Sam finally started.

Dean just looked up, knowing Sam would want to talk about what had happened earlier.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have… I can take care of Cas if you want.”

“Hm.” Was the reply he got. He hadn’t expected much more, Dean was still Dean after all. Which is why he was surprised when Dean suddenly started talking.

“I’m sorry too, I shouldn’t have yelled at you. it’s just, I will never be happy I have you to watch my back, to have my brother talk to me, sit with me, go wherever I go… But I’d give up all of it to just get back and let you live your life with Jess. You deserve to be happy and-“

“Dean.” Sam interrupted him. “Dean, don’t you see? I _am_ happy. I’m happy here, we have our own bunker, I have my brother, and I have my best friend. Sure, I miss Jess. I miss Bobby, and I miss Kevin and all the others we lost.

But you know what? I wouldn’t turn it back. I belong here, Dean. Next to you, hunting. This is what has been my destiny. We didn’t grow up to live a happy life. We grew up learning to make other’s lives happy. And that’s what I’ll be doing. That’s what _we’ll_ be doing.”

It was silent for another minute.

“And about Cas… he can stay here while we do our job, maybe do some research. This place is the safest of all, and you know that.”

Dean sighed. “yea it’s not like he’s gonna get his grace back soon. I can help him with humanity, but you gotta deal with all those psychical questions.

 I have honestly no idea how to answer them. I mean, I don’t do anything but protecting you, saving people, hunting things. The family business. _The Winchester business,”_ he added when he saw Sam looking like he always did when he had a good comeback.

“Cas _is_ family. But no Winchester. Therefore, Cas is not gonna do anything with hunting besides some research, period. No Winchester, no hunter.”

Sam mumbled something.

“What did you say?” Dean asked.

Sam just threw him a bitch face. “I said, for how long?” he answered.

“Sam, I have no idea what you are talking about right now.”

Another bitch face, even worse than the bitch face he got before.

“Oh _really._ You don’t? Because I see the way he looks at you, Dean.”

“He looks that way at _everyone,_ Sam. He’s human, a fallen angel with no grace. He has no idea how all of this works, and looks at everything and everyone like it’s the most beautiful thing ever made.

Man, I’ve seen him looking at freaking flowers that way. And then he asked me why people cut flowers, kill them, and give them to other people so they can watch the flowers slowly die! How am I supposed to answer that?”

Sam laughed at the imagine of Cas, being totally confused and Dean not knowing what to do. Dean had never brought flowers to anyone.

“Actually, that’s a pretty good question,” Sam stated, which earned him an are-you-fucking-kidding-me-look from Dean.

“yeah sure, I’m heading off to bed, my head hurts. Night, Sammy.”

When Dean was away, Sam sat in the kitchen for another moment. “But there is something with you two, and I’ll figure it out,” he mumbled. He put the glasses away, and looked to the kitchen once more before turning off the light and going to his own room.

When he went to bed, he thought about Cas’ question and chuckled lightly. He could almost _hear_ Dean say “dammit, Cas!” as he did more often when he didn’t know what else to say. Sam smiled, and closed his eyes to drift off.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized I never have a chapter summary, so apologies vor that. I have posted everything on Wattpad before I started posting on Ao3, so I'm not that familair with chapter summaries. If you want them: please tell me, and I'll try my best to add a quick summary to each chapter that's already posted and what's yet to be posted. Thanks for reading :)

The next morning, the three of them slept in till 11.30am, all tired of the day before.

The first one to wake up was Sam, rolling out of bed and getting a cup of coffee in the kitchen.

Not long after, Dean walked in, still in his boxers, and a bathrobe for the cold.

“Mornin’,” he grumbled, and got coffee himself too.

“Got any plans for today?” he asked, and Sam shook his head.

“Maybe showing Cas around a bit? I mean, he’s been everywhere as an angel but he needs to learn how to act around other humans. We have to go grocery shopping too, should take him with us. I have no idea what he likes to eat,” he said.

“Speaking of him, I think he’s been sleeping long enough,” Dean stood up. “I’ll check if I’m able to wake him up. It worked yesterday when he had been sleeping way less so…”

Sam looked worried. “Dean, what did you do? Did you… Dean, did you splash water in his face?” he has seen the too well-knowing smirk on Dean’s face.

“He wouldn’t wake up,” was Dean’s explanation, trying to look innocent. Too bad Sam knew his brother well enough to know he had fun splashing water on sleeping people’s faces.

“Hey, Dean, be a bit nicer this time, will ya?”

Dean sighed. “I’ll try,” he said before walking away.

Dean opened the door slowly, peeking his head in to see Cas was still sleeping. He went inside and closed the door behind him. For a moment, he just stood there, watching the fallen angel sleep so peaceful.

He thought about the day before. Cas liked him. Cas had talked him about his feelings. Cas had kissed him. Cas, the man who was once an angel with no emotion, the one who had gripped Dean tight and had raised him from perdition.

Cas, the one who always came when he called, always wanting to help. Cas, the one who left in purgatory, telling Dean it was his own choice. Cas, the man Dean had never fully understood, and probably never would in the future.

And Dean, Dean had kissed him back. In a messy motel room with Sam in the room next to them. And Dean had liked it, _a lot._ Oh yes, he’s had this feeling in his stomach, a feeling he never had with any woman he ever slept with (and that list was pretty big). And Cas could let Dean feel that way with only a kiss.

As Dean stood there, thinking, Cas slowly woke up. He opened his eyes, looked around and screamed when he saw the person standing next to his bed.

The scream brought Dean right out of his thoughts. “Shh it’s okay, Cas, it’s me, Dean. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said.

Cas looked at him. “Dean?”

“Yea, it’s me. c’mon, get outta bed, it’s 11.45.”

Cas still didn’t move. “It’s so comfortable, I don’t want to get out,” he said sadly. “I haven’t had a bed this comfortable since that woman kicked me out.”

“Whoa wait, _what?”_ Dean said. “You were with a woman? _You?_ When?”

Cas smiled sadly. “Well, after I lost my grace, the angel that took it brought me to a random place, took my phone from me and left me there, which is also why you didn’t hear from me.”

Dean thought about that time, when he realized Cas was gone.

_“Cas please, listen to me! I need you, Cas. Please stop ignoring me,” Dean spoke as he looked up to the sky._

_He had tried calling Cas one more time, but as he expected, the voice said the number didn’t exist._

_Dean sighed and went back inside the bunker where he got a drink. He walked over to Sam, or should he say ‘what was left of Sam’._

_Sam lied on his bed, cuts and dried blood everywhere, not to forget the many bruises and the broken arm. They had been on a hunt, and while Dean was attacking the one werewolf, Sam had dealt with the other. But unfortunately for Sam, the werewolf had learned some tricks, and that’s how Dean and Sam ended up in this situation._

_Dean had tried everything to reach Cas but nothing worked. The angel didn’t answer his prayers, he wouldn’t pick up his phone, and lately the number didn’t even exist anymore._

_This went on for 2 more weeks, Sam slowly healing (at least he was healing, even if it went slowly), and Dean trying to reach Cas every day._

_Suddenly, he heard the flapping sound of angel wings behind him. He turned around and saw…_

“Gabriel?!?” _Dean shouted when he saw no one but the Trickster standing there. “I thought you were dead! Where have you been? Oh god, can you heal Sam? I can’t reach Cas. Have you seen Cas?” he rattled._

_“Well, what kind of Trickster would I be if it was that easy to kill me?” Gabriel just said. “But to answer your question: Yes, I can heal Sam, which is why I’m here. But we have to hurry up, they’re looking for me.”_

_He walked over to Sam and put two fingers on Sam’s forehead. Slowly, Dean saw the cuts and bruises go away, saw the broken arm go back to normal, and then it was just Sammy sleeping as if nothing had ever happened._

_“Now you listen to me,” Gabriel said, looking Dean straight in the eyes. “I don’t know where Cas is either, I’ve been looking for him too. But so is heaven, and I think Cas has been smart enough to get a tattoo thay protects him from angels, including me._

_Now, leave him alone, he’ll handle it. You can go look after your brother. Make sure he sleeps enough. He isn’t fully healed, if I use too much of my powers, heaven will find me. Take care of him, okay?”_

_Dean just nodded._

_“Also, heaven has closed its doors; all angels are there, except for a few, who are now on earth. No angel can get in or out, but I’ve done a little trick. I must go back now before they find out. See ya later Dean, Sam.”_

_“Thank you,” Dean said to the air._

“Dean?”

Dean snapped out of his trance. “Sorry what?” he asked.

“You drifted off for a good few minutes,” Cas said. “You okay?”

“Yea I just thought of the time you were away. Could’ve known that Trickster wasn’t dead. Oh well, I’m glad he came back because I was truly desperate to reach you.”

Suddenly, Dean remembered what Cas had said. “But wait, you said something about a woman you were with? Tell me everything!”

Cas shook his head. “Only if you help me,” he said.

“Well, sure.” Dean took the covers off Cas, causing Cas to shiver from the sudden cold. “Dammit, Cas, have you been working out?”

Unwillingly, Dean let his hand touch Cas’ muscled stomach.

“Dean… what are you doing?”

Dean pulled his hand away, ashamed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…” but Cas interrupted him.

“Dean, it feels so nice. How do you do that? How did you bring back the feeling in my stomach from yesterday?”

Dean looked at him. “I guess they won’t be going away if you have them again.”

Cas looked worried. “Dean, am I sick? Do I need a doctor? What is happening?”

Dean just smirked. “”Well I don’t know, but I can make you feel better.” And with that, he leant in, and softly kissed Cas, something he had been wanting to do since they stopped the day before.

Cas kissed him back, and Dean slowly let his hand touch Cas stomach again, earning a small gasp.

“Dean?” Sam yelled. “Cas? Is everything okay?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear how much I love to write a small interrupting moose... I'm so evil. *insert gif of lucifer winking*


	7. Chapter 7

“Dean? Cas? Is everything okay?”

Dean groaned and pulled away. “Yeah, it’s fie, he just won’t get out of bed,” he yelled back and as soon as he heard Sam’s footsteps coming, he got out of Cas’ bed.

Cas looked disappointed.

“One day I will tell him. We will tell him. Just… not now,” Dean whispered and ran a hand through his hair. He looked at Cas, lying there in his sweatpants, shirtless, the blue eyes looking back at Dean, and the hair…

Oh god, if Sammy wouldn’t be here in a few seconds…

Dean had a thing for Cas’ hair. The messy, always looking like he just stepped right out of bed, black hair, almost falling in his eyes, Dean loved it.

“Cas, c’mon, get out of bed,” Sam said, walking into the room.

“No.” And Cas snuggled up against his pillow and put the covers back around himself. “It’s nice in here, I don’t wanna leave.” He looked sad again.

“Hey Cas, tonight you can get back in, but for now you really have to get up. And besides, we wanna hear your story so….” Dean said as he took the covers off Cas.

“Story?” Cas asked as he sat up.

“Yeah, you know, the woman etc.”

As soon as Dean said “woman” they heard Sam choking on his coffee. “What is going on here? A woman? And you haven’t told us anything?”

Dean just laughed. “Yea that was pretty much my reaction too. Now Cas, get a shower and dress yourself. We need to go grocery shopping and clean up the bunker and then you’re gonna tell us everything.

“Dean, can you help me?” Cas walked into the room Sam and Dean were sitting in.

Dean looked up and the first thing he saw was Cas with an unbuttoned shirt, his body still a bit damp from his shower and he didn’t even dare to look at Cas’ hair. He swallowed and tried not to look at Cas’ bare chest too obviously. Damn, he didn’t know angels could have such muscles.

He started buttoning Cas’ shirt, laughing at Cas’ reaction every time Dean’s cold fingers touched his warm skin.

Cas looked at Dean, frowning. “Are there any rules on whether to wear a button-up or another shirt?” he asked.

Sam and Dean started laughing, but stopped as soon as Cas just looked more confused. He had asked a serious question. Why were they laughing?

“I’m so sorry, Cas,” Sam apologized. “But to answer your questions: there are no rules, you can just wear whatever shirt you want.”

“So… I don’t have to wear this today?” Cas gestured to the shirt Dean had just buttoned.

“Not if you don’t want to,” Sam replied.

“Good, because I wanna wear another shirt today.”

Dean sighed. “Couldn’t you have said that _before_ I buttoned it all up?” he asked quasi-mad.

“But Dean, you were already done when I knew I wanted to wear another shirt,” Cas said.

“Nah, I’m just kidding, go get another shirt so we can go grocery shopping,” Dean laughed.

“Dean, why do humans need so much food? It’s not like they have special powers to use it for,” Cas asked as he watched Dean grab a bag g cereal.

“I don’t know, Cas, a lot happens inside our bodies. I think we need food for that.” Dean replied.

“Like what? those feelings I have?”

If they weren’t in the mall, Dean would have grabbed him instantly to kiss him. How did Cas even managed to look that cute without trying to. It was the combination of the blue eyes, the confused stare and yes, the bed hair.

And today, the simple jeans and very well-fitting shirt also did part of the job.

“Dean? Are you there? Why are you staring at me? Did I do something wrong?” Cas asked, snapping Dean right out of his thoughts.

“Yes, no, I mean, what?”

Cas looked at him. “You were really silent. What were you thinking about?” he looked at the different kinds of pie, choosing one Dean would like.

“Oh, nothing,” Dean replied, smiling as he saw Cas picking Dean’s favorite kind of pie.

Once they got back to the bunker, Sam told them he hadn’t found a case yet, so they had to fill the day with cleaning up.

“This would be so much easier if I still had my powers,” Cas sighed as he moped the floor.

“Well, there’s one thing we can do to make it a bit better,” Dean said as he put a cassette in the old radio, and soon Queen’s “Another One Bite The Dust” was coming through the speakers. 

“I gotta say, Cas, you’re doing this really well,” Sam complemented.

“Yeah it is like my work at the Gas ‘N Sip but without the customers,” Cas replied, and suddenly he froze. “My job! I had a job there! They won’t even know where I am right now!” He almost started panicking but Dean calmed him down.

“We will call and tell them you quit the job. You don’t need the money here; we’ll take good care of ya, Cas.”

That calmed him down, and soon they were all cleaning again while listening to Dean’s false sing along with Queen.

By the time they were done, it was almost 6.30pm and they were quite hungry so Dean started making burgers. He was just flipping the burgers in the pan and getting the bread as he heard someone walk into the kitchen.

“I told you, no touching my food when I’m cooking or I’ll cut your hair when you’re asleep!” he warned.

“Oh I’m… I’m sorry, Dean, I didn’t want to make you mad,” a voice said, and it was not Sam’s.

Dean turned around instantly. “Cas! I didn’t mean it to you, but usually Sam likes to come in and touch all my food. You can stay here if you want,” he said, wrapping his arms around Cas.

He felt Cas melting into his arms, snuggling his nose in the place between Dean’s neck and shoulder.

They stood like that for a moment before Dean kissed Cas’ forehead, ruffled his hand through Cas’ hair and went back to the burgers before they’d burn.

He had just put the burgers on the bread and was about to get them to the table when he felt Cas’ arms around him again.

“Dean… do you have a moment?”

“Depends,” Dean replied. He didn’t mind standing here with Cas, but he also didn’t want the food to get cold.

“I just wondered if I could kiss you again?” Cas’ head was tilted again, cute looking as ever.

Dean said nothing, but smiled and leaned in for a kiss.

He felt Cas smiling under his lips, and wanted to stay there for so long, but Sam would notice something so he pulled away and gave Cas another hug. “Soon,” he said, and walked to the table.

“Well, Cas,” Sam said as they were done eating. They still sat at the table, this time with a beer. “Tell us what happened when you were away.”

 


	8. Chapter 8

“Uhm,” Cas started. “As you know, Metatron was about to close the doors of heaven, which meant all the angels on Earth couldn’t go to heaven and all the angels in heaven couldn’t go to Earth. A lot of angels chose heaven, their home. They would stay safe there once the gates were closed.

I chose to stay on Earth, because not many angels still fancy me that much after my rebellion. And besides, my home is with you two,” he added.

Sam and Dean smiled before Cas went on. It was good to know that at least somebody trusted them enough to call it home.

“I was about to zap to you, but you were on a case so I couldn’t find you right away. I decided to wait at the bunker, when suddenly the Earth began to shake. Only the angels could feel it, it was a sign of Metatron.

Every angel had one last chance to choose heaven or Earth. I was just outside the bunker when an angel appeared in front of me. It was a stronger angel than me, and he brought me to some really dark place in the woods.

I didn’t know who the angel was, and I didn’t know where we were either. The angel then slit my throat and stole my grace, I tried to fight him but he was so strong.

He told me this was my punishment for rebelling again heaven, and every other thing I had done wrong. Once he got my grace, I didn’t feel the shaking any more.

I was cold, hungry… and human.” Cas didn’t say anything for a moment, reliving it all again.

“The angel took my phone, my grace and left me in the woods. I tried to find help but I was all alone. After I had walked for days, I found some place where I could eat and call but I didn’t know your number.

I’ve been homeless for days, stealing food and sleeping on the streets, until this woman appeared. She was really nice, giving me food to eat.

When it was dark, I saw the woman again. She took me with her to her house where she made me more food and after that I fell asleep on the bed.

The bed was nice, comfortable and I slept the whole night and throughout the next day. When I woke up at 4pm, she was still there, telling me to get a shower.

Once I was done showering, I had some trouble with the buttons on my shirt, so I asked her to help me.” Cas looked over at Dean and smiled lightly. Sam did notice it, but decided not to comment on it.

“She started buttoning my shirt, but noticed something, I don’t know what. She touched my chest, and I wondered what she was doing so I wanted to ask her.

I don’t know what I did wrong, but suddenly she was kissing me, and I pushed her away. She didn’t like that but I was hungry. I just left my shirt open and sat at the table. She smiled and told me it was okay.

After dinner we just watched some TV, and I was still tired so I said I went to bed. I put off my shirt and fell asleep.

When I woke up, the woman was standing over me, dressed in some pair of clothes which I don’t even know the name of. She started touching me again, and tried to kiss me, but I was so tired.

She asked if I didn’t want to know what was underneath that piece of cloth. I said I already knew she was hiding her breasts, and asked if I could go back to sleep. Suddenly, she was so angry, shouting a me, she accused me of all kinds of things.

She said I should’ve told her I didn’t want anything, and then she told me to leave. I just put on my shirt, shoes and coat and when I was at the door she yelled one last thing to me, which I still don’t understand. 

‘Don’t look and act that way of you weren’t planning on something’, she said. I don’t know what she meant.”

Dean couldn’t help but choke on his beer from laughter. “So a woman kicked you out, because you didn’t want sex?” He really felt sorry for Cas, but he couldn’t stop laughing.

“I don’t understand, Dean. What did she mean?” Cas was still confused.

Sam grinned, trying to hold back his laughter. “Well, when you don’t button up your shirt, it looks kinda sexy, I guess?” he explained.

“But I couldn’t do it myself! And I don’t even know what I did wrong that second night. Why’d she kick me out?”

“Because,” Sam started. He snorted, still trying not to laugh.

“Because when men say they go to bed early, they most likely don’t mean they want to sleep,” Dean finished for him. He knew Sam wouldn’t hold it together if he tried to explain it further.

“And how was I supposed to know that?” Cas asked innocently.

“Humanity, Cas. Humanity and experience.”

“Hm,” Cas nodded and went on. “After that, I went to the street again, and walked until I found some shop. I got a job there, at the Gas ‘N Sip. Since I was the last one to leave, I decided to sleep there because it was a lot warmer than the streets.

I got myself a sleeping bag and toothpaste, and that’s how I spend those few weeks until you found me when you were on that case.”

The three of them went silent, all thinking about the moment they saw each other again after such a long time.

_Sam and Dean were on a case, hunting something, as always. This time, it was a vamp’s nest._

_They were on their way to the nest when Dean went to stop at the Gas ‘N Sip, almost out of gas. They also needed some food for the time they had to wait. He tanked and went inside the store, where he grabbed pie, some crackers and some healthy stuff for Sam._

_When he went to pay, the cashier, wearing a white button up with some ugly blue vest, stood with his back to Dean._

_“Erm…” Dean said, looking at the small name tag on the counter. “Steve? I would like to pay.”_

_The man’s shoulder’s tensed, he knew that voice all too well, and turned around._

_“Cas?!” Dean yelled._

_“Dean! you’re here! I’m so gl-“ his words were muted by Dean, who had pulled Cas into a tight hug._

_When they walked outside, Sam and Cas shared a hug too, which was pretty funny to see since Sam was about 4 inches taller._

_They agreed Cas would work his shift and Dean and Sam would pick him up after they got the job done._

_It went as said, and that’s how Cas ended up with Dean in the motel room._

“Well,” Dean said. “That was not the best time you’ve ever had, but we’re happy you are now back here with us.”

Cas looked a bit worried. “But Dean, I’m none of use. I have no angel ‘mojo’ so I’m as useful as Steve from Gas ‘N Sip.”

But Sam shook his head, causing his hair to swoosh into his eyes. “Even without your mojo, we’re glad you’re here. You’re still Cas, our friend,” he said.

“And besides,” Dean added. “The bunker is literally the safest place any human could be, and I’d sleep a lot better knowing you won’t be getting smitten or anything.”

They drank another beer together, and Sam decided to go to bed. “Good night, guys.”

“Night, Sammy,” Dean replied.

When Sam was gone, Cas thought this was a good moment to start the conversation he wanted to have for a while. “Dean,” he began, sighing deep.

“What’s it?” Dean said, knowing Cas wanted to talk about something serious.

“Dean, in the car… your conversation with Sam, I overheard it. I didn’t mean to but I couldn’t sleep anymore and I didn’t want to interrupt you two. I heard everything you said.” He looked down at the table, not knowing how Dean would react to this.

Dean said nothing, and just looked at Cas for a while before replying, choosing his words carefully. “I’m sorry you had to hear that.” He finally said. “Why did you bring it up anyways?”

_“No,”_ he said, as he saw Cas’ face. “No, Cas, that is _not_ gonna happen.” He almost got angry again.

“But Dean, I want to help. I can help! I don’t want to be useless,” Cas explained, but Dean still hadn’t removed the unpleasant look from his face. He sighed and tried to calm himself down, for Cas’ sake.

“Cas,” he said, his voice much softer. “Cas, I lost so many people already. Everyone I care about dies, even Sammy. I can’t lose you too, Cas. I won’t be able to go on with my life; I wouldn’t know what to do.

I need you, Cas, please.” Dean’s eyes were pleading. “If you are gonna be a hunter, I have to protect both you and Sammy at the same time. I can’t do that; I couldn’t even protect Sam at times…

I can’t lose either of you, you’re my family. Please accept this, Cas. Please.”

Cas looked at him, right into the bright green eyes. He leaned in and gave Dean a slow kiss, letting Dean know he wasn’t angry.

“Okay,” he whispered. “I won’t be going anywhere.”

 


	9. Chapter 9

Soon, there was a routine in their lives. They’d wake up in the morning, sometimes early, and other times they slept in late. They’d share breakfast, and look for cases or clean the bunker once in a week.

Sam and Dean just did what they always did, killing those ‘evil sons of bitches’, as Dean always named them.

Every time they went away, Cas told them to take care, and every time they came back, Cas would sigh with relief. When Sam and Dean were away, the bunker was too silent.

Cas usually did research on cases, or was just reading a book. He enjoyed reading now that he was a human, it was a nice way of spending time while Dean and Sam were away.

He even had taken over the Winchester way of sleeping: don’t sleep unless you have to. Dean had asked Cas to get more sleep. “It’s unhealthy,” he had said.

“You do the exact same thing,” Cas had responded.

Dean sighed. “I have done it for years, Cas, I’m used to it.”

But Cas knew how to handle Dean. “You started somewhere too, Dean,” he said. He gave Dean a short kiss and went back to research.

What Dean and Cas, they wouldn’t call it a relationship. They barely kissed, because there never was time or Sam was around. The good thing about it was that they perfectly knew how to fixed the other’s tensed muscles by now, and they knew when the other was tensed.

They still hadn’t told Sam anything. Dean wasn’t ready for it, he didn’t know how Sam would react. Of course, Cas was their friend, but what if Sam wasn’t okay with it? They couldn’t throw him out of the bunker and things would get really awkward.

Sam however suspected something. Dean was happier than before, he smiled a lot more and it didn’t seem that the weight of the world was all on his shoulders any more.

 Not to mention the fact that one day Sam woke up and walked out of his room to find Dean and Cas on the couch, Cas snuggled up against Dean.

“He fell asleep against me, I couldn’t bring myself to wake him up and get him to bed, he was so tired,” Dean explained. Sam believed it, but there was something about the way Dean’s shone when he talked about Cas, or the way his arm laid protectively over Cas’ shoulders.

Sam hummed. Maybe they had put Cas up with a bit too much pressure lately. He wasn’t an angel any more, which had not only physically but also emotionally scarred him. And sure, Cas always told them he was fine, but Dean and Sam had done the same, even if they knew they were anything but fine.

As Sam walked to the kitchen to get coffee, he decided to wait till Dean came to him. If there was anything between Dean and Cas, they had to tell him themselves. Sam wasn’t anyone to spy in his brother’s business.

Then, one day, something strange happened.

Dean, Sam and Cas had just woken up, having breakfast at the kitchen table when something moved. It was one of the papers they had looked in for a case the night before.

Thanks to their hunter skills, Sam and Dean noticed the movement immediately. Both their heads snapped to the paper, Dean already unlocking the gun he got from under his seat.

“What’s wrong,” Cas asked.

Sam and Dean kept looking around. “It can’t be anything, this bunker is protected from literally anything. There is nothing that could come inside,” Dean said, suspicious.

Sam thought for a moment. Suddenly, his eyes lighted up. “But what,” he started. “What if that what’s here, can’t go out because it was here when it died?”

“Kevin?” Both Sam and Dean said. “Kevin, you there?”

“Kevin?”

But nothing happened.

“Maybe he can’t show himself yet,” Cas said. “It’s the first time something like this has happened, and it costs a lot of energy.”

Sam and Dean nodded. Sometimes they forgot Cas had been an angel which meant he knew a lot more than they always thought.

“Let us know when you’re ready, Kev,” Sam added before going back to breakfast.

Even if Kevin had been their friend, it was weird knowing he had been there all the time. Dean wondered if he had seen Dean and Cas. If he knew.

Kevin likely, if he did, he’d probably have given Dean and Cas the privacy they needed. Not that they had done very much, they hadn’t any time and when they had, they were too tired.

When Sam went to bed first, Dean and Cas would be going to either Cas’ or Dean’s room. Other times, when Cas was too tired to stay awake any longer, he went to bed, only to wake up a few hours later to snuggle against Dean, who had sneaked into Cas’ bedroom.

Waking up wasn’t romantic at all. Most of the times, one of them woke up earlier and went out of bed. There was too much to do to stay in bed lazily. The mornings that they actually woke up around the same time, they’d just share a short kiss before getting out.

They weren’t that busy, it was just the usual: searching cases, doing jobs. It was just that before the bunker, they never had to clean a house or a room, never had to actually cook, or do grocery shopping.

The hardest part of all was getting out of bed in the morning, they never had a place to stay, so every morning, they were afraid that one day, they had to leave again. That one day, they’d wake up in a crappy motel room again.

Meanwhile, Kevin kept trying to make himself visible for Sam, Dean and Cas and after a full week, he finally got it.

It was a normal day, Sam and Dean were sitting at the table, doing research and Cas was reading a book. They heard a whisper and suddenly, Kevin appeared n front of them. “Hi guys,” he said.

“Kevin, you did it!” Sam almost yelled, happy to see their friend again.

“Yea it takes a lot of energy, but after a while I figured it out,” Kevin replied. “But I’m just wondering… why am I here? I didn’t leave anything behind, did I?”

Sam, Dean and Cas shared a painful look after which they explained Metatron had closed the gates of heaven.

“So I won’t see my mom again?” Kevin asked. He looked sad, which reminded them of how young Kevin actually had been before he died. He hadn’t deserved any of this.

“I’m sorry for you. We’re searching on how to open the gates again,” Cas told him.

They talked for a few more minutes when Kevin said he could feel himself slip away. Sam decided this was the right moment to say what he had been avoiding all the time.

“Kevin…” he started, swallowing. “Kev, I am so sorry, I never meant to kill you, I just… I was still in there, telling Gadreel to stop. I told him you were my friend but he didn’t listen. It felt horrible, and I am so sorry this had to happen to you.”

He held back his tears. This is what he had been struggling with ever since Kevin’s death. For a long time he didn’t dare to touch either Dean or Cas, worried he did the same to them. After a while, he got better, but he still felt bad about it.

“It’s okay, Sam. I know it wasn’t you who killed me. I forgive you, just… please, try to open the gates soon. I know you’re all busy,” Kevin looked at Dean and Cas and gave them a small, knowing smile. “But I really want to know if my mom’s doing okay.” And then he just disappeared.

“I promise,” Dean said, knowing Kevin could still hear them. “I will do the best I can for you, I owe you at least that.”

They fell silent, and then they went back to what they were doing, glad to know their friend wasn’t mad.

After a few days, Kevin had improved his skills and was able to be visible almost all of the time. Sometimes, he and Cas even played a game of chess, Kevin always winning. It was nice to have Kevin there so Cas wasn’t alone every time Dean and Sam had a job to do.

When Cas and Kevin were alone, they talked a lot. About humanity, being an angel, or being a prophet, even about being a ghost, how weird it all had felt.

When one day, Kevin asked Cas about him and Dean, Cas got all red and started stuttering, causing Kevin to laugh. “I knew it already, I’ve been dead for a while, remember,” he said. “Are you ever gonna tell Sam?”

Cas told him he didn’t know. “Dean doesn’t want to tell him yet, but I think Sam is suspecting something.” He sighed.

“I can see why, both of you are a lot happier now that you’re together,” Kevin told him.

That night, Cas thought about what Kevin had said.

_Was he happy?_

He was happy, and not only because he had Dean. He had a _family._ His family was one ex-blood junkie, one ghost, and one I-say-I’m-fine-but-actually-it’s-eating-me-from-the-inside-guy he had fallen for, but it was _his_ family.

He never had seen the angels as he had seen the people he was with now. The way Sam and Dean acted around Bobby was so loving, he had never known it could be that way. He had been with the angels because that’s what God wanted, but the only ones he actually missed were Balthazar and Gabriel.

Suddenly, he thought of something. He sat right up in his bed. “How do humans do this?” he muttered, and held his hands together.

“Gabriel, I don’t know if you can hear me, but this is Castiel. I was glad to hear you are still alive. I just wanted you to know Sam and Dean are doing fine. I wanted to thank you for healing Sam when I couldn’t. We’re trying to find a way to open the Heavenly gates. I miss you Gabe. I know what feelings are like, and I miss you.” He paused.

“I hope I’ll be seeing you soon. Uhm, amen?” he finished and sighed again before drifting away in a peaceful sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

There was happiness in the bunker, yes. But they still hadn’t found a way to open the Heavenly gates and it was getting really frustrating. The only thing Sam and Dean could do was keep searching and doing jobs.

Every time they left, Cas would give them a sad look and tell them to take care. Every time, he spent days alone in the bunker, reading books, going though hundreds old files that the bunker had.

 He also kept the bunker clean most of the time, did the dishes, renewed the bed sheets, he even had asked Dean to get him a vacuum. He ate the already cooked meals Dean had made before they left, because Dean was afraid Cas might hurt himself while trying to make dinner himself.

Meanwhile, Kevin showed himself less and less. He appeared again one day, asking the same as always.

“Got anything new?”

And they always had to disappoint him, so Kevin didn’t show any more. All of it was really frustrating for everyone. Sometimes Dean wished he could just take Cas’ face in his hands and slam his lips to Cas’ ones, but he couldn’t. He didn’t know how to tell Sam.

Dean had always been the one to get some random chick for a night, and now he was with a guy… and definitely for longer than one night. Sure, Cas had offered to talk to Sam himself, but Dean had told him no. It would only make it worse, he had said.

He wanted to tell Sam when there weren’t so many things going on, so that wouldn’t be anytime soon. Still, both Dean and Cas were happy with each other, even if it was a secret. They spent much time just cuddling and kissing, too tired for more.

One night, it had been close. Dean and Sam were just back from a hunt, and it was 11pm. Sam had been really tired and went straight to bed. Dean and Cas went to Cas’ room, kissing already before Dean kicked the door close.

“I missed you,” Cas whispered.

“I know, Cas. ‘M sorry it took so long,” Dean replied.  “I missed you too, a lot,” he added and pressed another kiss on Cas’ lips. He realized how much he had missed this the past five days and kissed harder, licking Cas’ lips, waiting for them to open.

He tugged at Cas’ shirt as he felt Cas’ hands sliding under his own, going over his hips, to his back where they started to rub small circles. It felt great and Dean felt his muscles relax under Cas’ touch.

He finally managed to unbutton Cas’ shirt and slid it off his shoulders. For a moment, he just stood there, admiring the man standing in front of him, before he pulled Cas into a hug and started kissing his neck.

They ended up on the bed, Cas in only his sweatpants, Dean still dressed. He took his shirt off, just to see Cas staring at him.

“Still the staring, Cas? I thought you had seen this enough already,” he joked, but Cas said nothing as he followed a few scars with his finger.

“You are hurt,” Cas whispered, touching a bruise that hadn’t been there before.

Den whimpered a little. “Yeah, but it’s okay. I’m okay, Cas,” he said, but it was already too late. Cas had turned Dean around (sometimes Dean forgot how strong Cas actually was), and gasped at Dean’s back. There were a few more bruises and some cuts.

“What happened?” he asked, worried. “I wish I could heal you.” He instantly looked sad again.

Dean turned back and kissed Cas, pulling him down and rolling over so Cas was lying under him. “You heal me enough by just being here with me,” he said, looking at Cas’ deep blue eyes before leaning in for a kiss.

They both forgot what they were thinking about and kept kissing, runner their hands over each other’s bodies. Suddenly, Dean felt one of Cas’ hands at his zipper. He took Cas’ wrist, causing him to look up with shame.

“I’m sorry, I just…” he started, but Dean interrupted him.

“It’s okay, Cas, just… not now, okay?”

Cas nodded, still feeling shame. Dean kissed him softly, before lying down and letting Cas rest his head on Dean’s chest. It was silent for a while and then Cas asked something.

“Dean? Are you happy with me?”

“Am I happy with you? Of course I’m happy with you!” Dean answered.

“But are you happy because you have something to play around with, or are you happy because I am your friend?” Cas sounded worried. “I am your friend, right?”

Dean put a finger under Cas’ chin, causing Cas to look up at him.

“Cas, I am happy with you because 1. You are my best friend, 2. You’re my family, you and Sam are the one I care the most for, and 3. I am _not_ playing around with you. I could take 30 girls from a bar here, but they would not even give me a slight bit of the feelings I have for you.

Dean was deadly serious, looking at Cas the whole time.

Cas looked back, and knew Dean was telling the truth. But there was one more thing. “But why did you try to stop me when I… you know,” he said awkwardly.

“I can’t tell you right now, but I will, later. I promise.”

Cas sighed and lied his head back. “You have really beautiful eyes,” he muttered before falling asleep.

Dean smiled and put the covers around them. “You too, Cas. You too,” he whispered back, even if Cas couldn’t hear him.

A few days later, Sam and Dean were about to go on a hunt again. It was the night before they’d leave and only the two of them were awake.

“Dean, don’t you think…”

Dean groaned. “How many times do I have to say this? Cas is _not_ going _anywhere._ He is safe here, and I’d like to keep it that way.”

“But Dean, Kevin seems pretty mad already. You know what happens with vengeful spirits, you know what happened with Bobby,” Sam tried again.

“Sammy, please, _I know._  But I can’t protect both of you at the same time, and besides, we haven’t even seen Kevin much around lately. I think Cas will be safer here in the bunker. He isn’t a hunter and he’ll never be one, so he doesn’t go with us on jobs.”

Dean gave Sam a look that said _don’t you dare to talk back because I ain’t changing my answer,_ and Sam decided to just let it be for now.

Both of them went to bed after that, Sam in his own and Dean slipped under the covers next to Cas.

The next morning, they woke up early, ate breakfast and got their bags. As dean got his clothes, Cas walked into his room. He didn’t say anything, but stood beside Dean and pulled his arms around Dean’s waist.

Dean turned around and took Cas into his arms. They stood like that for a while, Dean resting his chin on Cas head, and Cas with his face pressed into Dean’s shoulder.

Dean pulled back and looked at Cas. “Hey, I’ll be back in a few days. Are you gonna be okay?” he asked, a bit worried.

“I’ll be,” Cas replied. He sighed. “I’ll miss you, Dean.”

Dean hugged Cas again. “I’ll miss you too, Cas,” he whispered into Cas’ hair. He pressed a kiss on Cas forehead and looked Cas into the eyes.

“I’ll be back soon, I promise.”


	11. Chapter 11

“Why the huge smile?” Sam asked as Dean pulled up at the bunker.

It was 4 days later and they were just back from their job.

“I’m just glad we’re back, I missed my bed,” Dean replied. “That motel was seriously the worst.”

Sam couldn’t agree more. They’ve had a lot of bad motels during their years of hunting but this one had by far been one of the worst. Or maybe they just got used to the comfortable bunker, but that wasn’t anything to care about.

Both of them were tired. The job had been tough, and even Dean only had a few drinks before heading back to the motel, without a girl. Now that Sam thought about it, when was the last time Dean had been with a girl? He didn’t even know.

Had it something to do with Cas? Sam just shrugged it off as soon as Dean stopped the Impala. He’d ask Dean about it later.

They went inside the bunker, it was complete silent.

“Hello?” Dean shouted. “We’re back!”

No answer.

“Cas? You there?”

Still nothing. Dean started to worry. Cas hadn’t gone outside, had he? Dean had told him to stay inside at night.

Sa, looked in Cas’ bedroom, but it was empty. He looked at Dean. Dean looked back, and both knew something was not right here. Cas was in trouble.

“Cas? Answer me!” Dean yelled again, walking through the bunker. “Cas?? Ca-“ suddenly he stopped.

“Sammy??” his voice was full of panic.

Sam ran to Dean, but stopped when he saw Cas’ body, lying there, half covered with a closet. “What…”

“I don’t know, but we have to take him somewhere else. Help me with this closet,” Dean said.

They managed to get Cas free and in his bed, his body not moving.

“Is he…” Sam didn’t dare to ask it.

After a quick check, they found out Cas was still alive, his heart was beating.

Dean sighed with relief, before it suddenly got to him. An intense sadness overcame him and he just sat there, looking at Cas’ body.

Sam immediately knew what was wrong, and led Dean away from the bed, into a chair further away. “Dean,” he said. “Dean, listen to me.”

Dean did nothing, and kept looking at Cas.

“Dean!” Sam said one more time before slapping Dean’s face. It worked, and Dean’s head snapped up.

“What? Why did you hit me? Why…?” it hit him again. “Sammy, this is my fault,” he whispered.

“Dean, no, it isn’t. You’re not the one to blame for this.” It didn’t work.

“I told him to stay in the bunker, I thought he would be safe and now…”

Sam watched his big brother break down. This rarely happened, and he knew there was something else. “But that’s not it, is it?” he asked, leaving it to Dean what he wanted to tell.

Dean looked at him. He sighed and decided to just tell Sam. “Yeah, there is,” he started. “I… Me and Cas… we…” he stumbled. “We like each other. A lot.” He finally spit out, afraid for Sam’s reaction. But there was nothing to be afraid of.

“Dean it’s okay, I have suspected something but decided not to say anything in case it made you uncomfortable. It took me a while, tho. You two did a good job hiding it.” Sam laughed.

“So… you’re not… mad? Disappointed? Anything?”

“Why would I be Dean? Because you like Cas? Because you like a man? C’mon Dean, that’s ridiculous. You’ve been happier than ever, why would I be mad?” Sam asked. “Do you already have…” he didn’t finish.

“No,” Dean replied. “I wasn’t sure you’d be okay with it and if we had done… it, it’d be so final and I just couldn’t do it without knowing you would be fine with it.”

Sam swallowed. That was one of the nicest things Dean has ever said to him. “Of course I’m fine with it, Dean.”

Dean let out a sigh of relief. “I’m gonna see if I can reach Gabe, maybe he’ll be able to help Cas.” Dean was about to walk away when he suddenly realized something. “What do you mean… suspected?”

Sam just shrugged. “Oh I don’t know, sometimes you two would look at each other like… I can’t even explain it, but Cas looked at you as if you have hung the moon and the stars. It was other than all those other stares tho.”

Dean smiled. He and Cas has had their stare moments, yes. He walked away, but heard his name again.

“Dean? One more thing…”

Dean turned around, not knowing what to expect.

“you know you’re gonna hear this forever from now on, don’t you?” Sam grinned, and Dean rolled his eyes before he turned back.

_Sam would always be Sam,_ he thought and smiled as he walked to his room.

“Gabriel? I don’t know if you can hear me, but if you can, please answer me. it’s Cas, he is… wounded. And unconscious. I don’t know what happened to him, I don’t know what to do I just… I don’t know.

If you’re able to break out of heaven one more time, please do it, for Cas. He needs you, Gabe. _We_ need you. You don’t have to heal him completely, just wake him up. I need to know what happened or otherwise I can’t take care of him.”

Dean sighed and ended his prayer. It was the second time he asked for Gabe, but he didn’t trust the other angels.

He closed his eyes and could only hope his prayer had reached heaven as he tried to sleep, missing Cas’ warm body next to his.


	12. Chapter 12

Dean heard the fluttering sound of wings and before he could even turn around he heard the voice.

“Hey there, Dean-o,” it said.

“Gabe! You came!” Dean almost yelled. “Sammy!”

Sam came running and immediately wrapped his arms around the angel. “Oh thank god you’re here. Please tell me you can heal Cas?”

Gabriel just stood a bit awkwardly, and patted Sam on the back. “Well, I’m happy to see you too, moose. More alive than last time,” he joked.

Dean wished he had taken a picture. Sam, being 6’4 tall, hugging the archangel, who was about 5’8. It looked absolutely ridiculous.

“Sorry it took so long, I heard your prayer a few days ago, and it was very hard to get out, since Metatron wasn’t happy when he realized I had tricked him last time. But hey, sometimes you just gotta do everything for your lil’ bro, ain’t it, Dean-o?”

When they reached Cas’ room, he was still on the bed.

“Well that doesn’t look very well,” Gabriel muttered as he spotted Cas. “I will see what I can do, but I can’t use all my powers. They’ll definitely find me if I do, and trust me, you’ll not be happy if they come here for me.

Dean and Sam nodded. They’ve had dealt with some angry angels before, and it was to say, absolutely horrifying how much power those creatures had. They watched as Gabriel lay a hand on Castiel, causing him to glow lightly.

“Whe… where am I? Gabe? Am I in heaven? What happened?” Cas suddenly said, opening his eyes. Dean let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He heard Sam breathe out next to him.

“Shh hold still Cassie, I’m trying to heal you. close your eyes,” Gabriel commanded and Cas did as he said. “Freaking humans and their stupidity,” they heard Gabriel mutter before going back to healing.

“That’s it for now,” he told them as when he was done. “He needs to taken care of a lot, he’s weak and needs to sleep and eat well. But I guess you’re familiar with that, so you just gotta figure out yourself what’s best for him,” Gabriel said.

Sam and Dean nodded, and Gabriel told Cas goodbye before turning around. “He’s asleep now, I will go back before they find out I’m missing. See you next time!” And with that the archangel was gone.

Sam let out a small thanks and bye as Gabriel disappeared. “So… check on Cas every hour, I guess?” he asked.

Dean nodded. Now that Cas was conscious again, he wanted nothing more than to talk to him, hold him, feel his warmth. But Cas needed rest now, so Dean just looked at Cas once more before closing the door.

It was 7 hours later when Cas woke up again, confused. He didn’t know the date, or the time. As he tried to figure it out, the door opened and Sam’s head peeked in. “Hey there, Cas. Finally awake, I see? You must’ve hit your head hard; you’ve been unconscious for almost a week.”

Cas looked at him. “A week? Did Gabriel? How did he manage to escape heaven?” he asked as Sam nodded.

“Well, he’ll always be a little Trickster, won’t he?” Sam chuckled. “I’ll call Dean for ya.” And the door was closed again.

“Cas?”

Cas let out a sigh of relief as he heard the familiar voice calling his name. “Hello, Dean,” he replied as he felt Dean’s arms wrap around him. He snuggled closer and made place for Dean to sit on the bed.

“Cas I’m so happy to see you, awake and well, you have no idea how worried I was,” Dean said, his voice muffled, while placing kisses on Cas’ hair.

“My apologies, Dean. I did not mean to scare or worry you.”

Dean laughed. “It’s okay, Cas, I’m just glad to see you awake.”

Cas lifted up his head to look at Dean. He looked horrible, tired, dark circles under his eyes as if he hadn’t slept at all.

Dean wanted to say something, but stopped right when he looked into Cas’ eyes. Damn, he had missed those blue oceans. He started to lean in, wanting nothing more than to kiss Cas.

Cas held back. “Dean…” he looked worried.

“What’s it Cas? Do I need to wait? It’s okay, it’s all okay.”

“No, I’ll tell you later,” Cas mumbled, deciding he had missed Dean too much, and kissed him. He felt Dean’s hands on his cheeks, bringing Cas’ face closer. Cas gripped Deans shirt with one hand, and tangled the other in Dean’s hair.

“I missed you,” Dean said when he pulled pack, but Cas wanted more. He brought Dean’s head closer again and started kissing him like never had before. He felt Dean’s smile on his own lips, and became even more passionate.

Dean’s hand slid to Cas’ waist, and held it there, causing his hip to heat up under the touch. He pulled away and hugged Dean, embarrassed of his own actions.

Dean just smiled, and hugged Cas back tightly. He rested his chin on Cas’ head and wished they could stay like this forever.

Suddenly, he heard Sam, who was clearing his throat as he stood by the door.

Cas’ eyes flew open, and he started to pull away from Dean, flushing bright red. “I just…” he started awkwardly when Dean sushed him, pulling Cas back into his arms.

“I told Sam,” he said, looking into Cas’ eyes.

Cas watched the two of them, Dean his own personal savior, and Sam, his other best friend.

Sam just nodded. “Yup, and I’m really happy for the two of you, but I made you soup so if you could let go of Dean for one second, that would be nice,” he grinned. Oh, he was gonna have _so much fun,_ teasing those two.

Dean whined silently, but kissed Cas’ forehead and ruffled the pillows so Cas could sit up straight.

Sam laughed and handed Cas his soup. “It might be a bit hot, but Dean doesn’t trust me in the kitchen with anything but soup, so you gotta ask him for other things.”

After a few days of being in bed, Cas was healed well enough to walk around in the bunker, read some books and even to look up some things about the Heaven’s case. Sam and Dean hadn’t been on a job since they found Cas, so all they did was trying to find more information about heaven.

The tables were full of books and papers, with 3 small blank spaces, which were covered with either a plate or a drink most of the time. It was hard to find something, because they had no idea what to look for. It didn’t seem like it had happened ever before.

They also tried to contact Kevin, but the ghost would not reply, no matter how many times they called for him. Sam was a bit worried.

“He was on his way to become a vengeful spirit, where could he be?”

They thought about it for a moment and then Cas cleared his throat. “I think I know why he doesn’t reply to us,” he said, shifting in his seat.

Sam and Dean looked at him, and what Cas told them next was anything but what they had expected.

“Maybe,” Cas said, looking to the table in front of him. “Maybe he felt guilty for trying to kill me on purpose.”


	13. Chapter 13

There was a full silence.

“He… _what?!”_  Dean finally asked, not knowing whether he heard it right or not.

But he did.

“Kevin was mad and he nearly killed me by throwing that closet. He was mad I was human and I couldn’t help him. I think he was a vengeful spirit already,” Cas explained, still looking at the table.

Sam and Dean looked at each other, sharing a well known emotion.

“Cas, we’re so sorry this happened to you. we should have never left you alone,” Sam said.

Dean still didn’t say anything. _He_ was the who had told Cas to stay in the bunker. _He_ was the one who had denied Cas to go with them.

_He_ was the one who was supposed to keep Cas safe, to protect him. And now, Cas got hurt because of Dean.

Sam shot one look at Dean and instantly knew what was going on in Dean’s head. “Dean…” he said, but Dean ignored him. He stood up and left without a word.

“Should I… go after him?” Cas asked, still not knowing what to do when Dean was like this. Most of the time, Dean enjoyed Cas’ presence, but other times Cas didn’t even dare to talk to him until Dean said something.

It sounded hard for Cas, but he was happy with Dean. If Dean needed his time alone, Cas would happily give him that. Anything better than to make Dean angry.

Sam shook his head. “No, let him be for a moment. He feels guilty because he couldn’t keep you safe where he thought you’d be. He needs some time alone now.”

Cas sighed. “But he didn’t know, how could he?” he asked to no one particular. Though, he knew Dean would always blame himself is something happened to either Cas or Sam.

Meanwhile, Dean sat on his bad. How could he even _be_ with Cas if Cas kept getting hurt because of him? It hadn’t been right to kiss him back at the motel. But it felt so good. So… _right._

Cas’ lips moving against his own, feeling the human passion they both shared, it had been amazing. How had Cas even known how to kiss so well?

Oh _right._

Dean almost got mad but he stopped himself. It wasn’t Meg’s fault; _she_ had shown her interest in Cas instead of doing nothing and hoping for a miracle.

He snapped out of his thoughts as someone knocked on the door.

“No,” he said. He wasn’t ready to see someone yet. He listened but heard no one walk away. Oh well, he wasn’t going to open that door anyways. For a moment Dean felt guilty, what if it was Cas?

Sam had probably warned him, if Cas hadn’t listened, it was his fault. If it had been Cas, Dean would apologize later. Right now, he just wanted to sleep. He got out of his clothes and turned around.

As he lay down, he felt how tired he had been. He hadn’t slept much past weeks, even if Cas said he was all fine, Dean stayed awake till he was sure Cas slept well. But now, he couldn’t sleep. He turned and turned, threw the covers off him, cuddled back into them, nothing worked.

He decided there was only one thing to do.

Cas smiled as he woke up because someone slid behind him into the bed.

 Dean kissed Cas’ temple and whispered a small “I’m sorry,” not knowing Cas had woken up. As he lay his head on the pillow, Cas turned around, blue eyes looking in his own.

“It’s okay,” Cas whispered back and laid his head on Dean’s chest. He fell asleep right away.

Dean went to the land of dreams not long after while looking at the beautiful man in his arms.

The next morning, Sam woke up first. He made himself coffee and went to check on Dean. He hadn’t bothered Dean any more after he had knocked on his door the day before.

When he opened Dean’s door, the bed was empty, but looked like Dean had been in it. At first, Sam was worried. But when he opened Cas’ door and saw both him and Dean sleeping peacefully, he smiled and closed the door.

Dean woke up by Cas, who slowly turned around, trying not to wake Dean.

“Morning, Cas,” Dean said.

“Good morning, Dean,” came the gruffly voice back, even deeper than usual. Cas definitely wasn’t a morning person. “How are you feeling?”

Dean opened his arms. “I’m good. Now c’mere.”

Cas looked at Dean and smiled before placing himself back into Dean’s arms. They never had the time to slowly wake up, so he wanted to cherish this moment.

When after a few minutes both Dean and Cas got out of bed, they had almost forgotten about all the things going on in their lives. They got coffee and Dean made breakfast.

“Good morning, Sam.”

Sam looked up from his laptop and saw Cas standing in front of him. “Morning, Cas. Slept well?”

Cas nodded and sat down. “I don’t think Dean is still angry.”

Sam grinned. “I know, I saw you this morning,” he said, causing Cas to blush. He wanted to reply, but Dean just came in.

“Eggs with bacon for breakfast, guys. Need to do some grocery shopping today. Hiya Sammy, got us a case?” he said as he put the plates on the table.

Sam shook his head and they started eating. Cas felt better, but still needed his rest so they decided Dean would go to the store alone.

Dean had just come back and was about to close the door of the bunker when he heard a familiar voice.

“Hey wait for me? you’re not gonna leave me standing here, right?”

He almost dropped the bags he was carrying and turned around. “Charlie! so good to see you!” He hugged her and they went inside, where Sam was searching things up and Cas was lying on the couch, reading a book.

“Hey bitches!” Charlie yelled before Dean could properly introduce her to Cas.

Sam jumped up and hugged her too, which looked as ridiculous as it had looked with Gabriel.

Cas just looked confused. “That’s rude to say to someone,” he stated.

Charlie was not impressed by his statement. “Oh hey there, you must be Castiel. I’m Charlie, nice to meet you!” Charlie introduced herself, which left Cas only more confused.

“How do you know my name?” he asked.

Charlie laughed. “I’ve read the books, Chuck can write really well. ‘I am the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition,’” she quoted, lowering her voice. Sam and Dean snorted at her impression of Cas.

“I’m no angel,” Cas only said.

“Oh that’s not nice, what happened? Wait, let’s just save that, I bet you two,” she pointed to Sam and Dean. “got a lot of shit to do?”

Sam sighed. “If only, we’re pretty much stuck right now. I’m gonna make some hot chocolate for us all and we’re all gonna talk. You’re pretty far behind and you need to catch up.”

They all agreed and when Sam got them hot chocolate, they sat around the table, catching up with each other and for a while, all problems were forgotten.


	14. Chapter 14

After Charlie had told them about her time in Oz, Sam Dean and Cas tried to tell her what happened.

“Wait, not all three of you at the same time! you,” she pointed at Sam and Dean. “Go first. I believe you and Cas got split up, so I will listen to Cas after you.”

And so Dean and Sam told her how they had searched for Cas for so long, how they had been on jobs, and how they had finally found Cas. Right at the part where Dean found Cas at the Gas N’ Sip, Cas stopped him.

“I think it will make more sense if I tell her first what happened to me and the other angels,” he explained, putting his hand on Dean’s arm. It was a small touch, and Charlie noticed Dean didn’t swat away Cas’ hand as he’d usually do. She didn’t say anything yet.

While Cas told Charlie his part, of how he had become human, how he had searched for a place to sleep and food, Charlie saw Dean swallow when Cas talked about being homeless. She did however laugh when Cas told her about the woman who kicked him out.

“You need to learn a lot about humanity,” she said, still laughing.

“I know a lot more than before. Sam and Dean have been teaching me, and I seem to fit in pretty well by now,” he answered politely.

Charlie looked at them, Dean sitting very unlike-Deanily close to Cas, Cas blushing and looking at the point where their knees almost touched. She was almost sure, but decided to ask. “You two are… a thing now?”

Cas’ head snapped up, blushing even more. Dean looked at Charlie like Cas would usually do: confused, trying to figure out how she knew.

And Sam? Sam was too busy laughing his ass off. “I told you she’d know, it’s too obvious,” he said.

“My gaydar never lies,” Charlie told them proudly. “But awesome for you, guys!” she smiled as Dean immediately pulled Cas into his arms, sitting a lot more comfortable than before. Cas just buried his head in Dean’s neck, too embarrassed.

They decided to lay low for once and Dean dug up some movies they’d gotten a while ago. He went to the kitchen to get popcorn, groaning as the last thing he heard was Charlie: “So Cas, tell me…”

The night had been full of movies and drinks, causing Cas to fall asleep halfway through ’10 Things I Hate About You”. Once the movie was finished, they decided to get to bed. Tomorrow would be a day full of research; Charlie was good with the internet.

Dean carried Cas in his arms, not wanting to wake him up. He threw a glare at Sam and Charlie that said _say anything and today was the last day you lived,_ but as soon as he looked back at Cas in his arms, his eyes softened and a smile appeared on his face.

“I haven’t seen Dean much, but I can say I’ve never seen him _this_ happy,” Charlie said when Dean had walked away.

Sam was smiling too. “Me neither,” he said.

The next day started like all the other days in the past weeks: they gathered around the table as Dean made breakfast, and chatted a bit. Once done with breakfast, Dean Cas and Sam got the books they’d been looking into and Charlie took the laptop.

2 hours later and they still got nothing when suddenly a loud ringing was heard. They all looked up, wondering where the sound came from. Cas took his phone and looked at the screen, confused, before picking up.

“Hello?"

…

“Yes”

…

“Who are you?”

...

"What?” Cas’ face went pale white. “Are you serious?” he leaned on the table, still looking white and a worried look on his face. “Yea”

…

“Yes, I’ll be there as soon as I can,” and he ended the call.

From then, everything went very quickly, as if someone had doubled the speed of time.

Cas had been called by another fallen angel, who, somehow got his number. He had been cooperating with the other angels and fallen angels who were left on earth. By using the grace they had left together, they could find a way back into heaven, he had said.

When Sam, Dean, Cas and Charlie arrived at the place, they were greeted quickly and told what they had to do.

“You,” one of them pointed at Sam. “Are gonna read this spell. You are gonna put these things together,” he told Dean, shoving some several ingredients into Dean’s hands. “make a fire, and once you put the ingredients in it, Sam is gonna read the spell.”

As soon as the fire was ready, and Dean had all the ingredients mixed in a bowl, the fallen angels put their hands together, standing around the fire. “Come here, Cas, we need everyone, human or not. once Gabe gives us the sign, Sam and Dean do their thing.”

Sam and Dean figured out Gabe had been playing Trickster again. Sometimes those tricks could be very useful.

When out of nowhere a shiver went through the group, Dean put the bowl with ingredients in the fire as Sam read the words. They had done things like this before, and they were sure they’d done it right, but nothing happened.

The fallen angels were standing around the fire, eyes closed. Sam, Dean and Charlie held their breaths.

Just as they started to worry if they’d done it right, a huge white light exploded into the circle. They covered their eyes, the light was too bright to look into.

The moment they looked again, three gasps were heard. The fallen angels, the former-angels-now-humans were, they were gone. Dean opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Sam and Charlie just stood there, jaws dropped.

“Guys?” a familiar voice was heard.

Sam blinked. “ _Kevin?_ What…? How…? Where? He couldn’t form a full sentence.

“I’m sorry,” Kevin said. “I’m sorry for hurting Cas, I never meant to. He was my friend too. I’m also sorry for hiding but I was so ashamed of myself, I just…” he didn’t finish and looked away instead.

“Hey, Kev, it’s okay. Heaven’s Gates are open, for now. It’s time to reunite with your mom,” Dean said, nodding at Kevin.

“Of course, I, uh… I need to… can you shoot me?”

Sam nodded and got a gun.

“I’m sorry your life had to end this early. I never whished this for you,” Dean’s voice trembled. He knew people died every day, but Kevin simply hadn’t deserved this. “It was good to have you as family.”

Kevin looked at him, smiling sadly. “It was great to know you, guys. Thanks.”

Sam added a last “You’re a good kid. See you later, Kev,” and pulled the trigger.

Sam, Dean and Charlie were alone again, not knowing what to do. Cas was gone, Kevin was gone, what should they do?

They started to leave, but suddenly a piece of paper fell from the sky. Dean caught it and started reading:

_“I am sorry for leaving so abruptly. I did not know what was about to happen. I will try to get back as soon as possible._

_Cas”_


	15. Chapter 15

The next weeks felt like hell. Now that both Cas and Kevin were gone, the bunker seemed quite, even though Charlie was there with them. Sam and Dean tried to just do what they always did, but it was hard.

Sometimes, when they got back from a hunt, Dean would walk into the bunker, expecting to see Cas there, reading a book. But Cas wasn’t there. Cas was gone and he hadn’t shown any signs of life yet.

The first week, Sam and Dean had their hope. Maybe Cas would come back. Maybe the job was done by getting the angels back to heaven. But deep inside, they knew it wasn’t done yet. Heaven was still closed, now with all the angels and not-angels in it.

A few years ago, Dean would’ve gone to a bar to get drunk, hit on some random chick and get laid to not think about anything. But now, he just sat in the bunker with Sam, flipping through page after page, book after book, pouring both of them one drink after another.

Charlie made herself helpful by hacking some sites, going grocery shopping, making some food every once in a while, making sure both Sam and Dean ate it, and cleaning the bunker. It wasn’t much, but it was appreciated by the brothers. Without Charlie they probably would have gone days without eating.

They didn’t speak much, sometimes they’d mumble some words they were writing down, and a few words were exchanged every morning and evening.

Dean also didn’t speak of something he should’ve talked about with Sam: his hallucinations. He saw Cas everywhere, just like when he came back from purgatory. It was driving him crazy, but he didn’t say anything about it to Sam and Charlie. They’d probably worry about him if he told them, and right now, they needed to be focused.

Both Sam and Dean had no idea what to search for. They had opened the heavenly gates and the angels and ghosts had left earth. So what now? They had decided to just get every little thing they could find about heaven together.

Sure, it meant a lot of work to do, but Cas was there. And Cas didn’t belong there. Cas belonged in Dean’s arms, not alone in heaven.

This went on for a few weeks, Sam and Dean getting more desperate with every book they closed. Even Charlie seemed to lose her always-happy-smile.

Then, one day, a man walks into the bunker, immediately faced with the end of 2 guns.

“No, please, don’t kill me,” he said.

“Give me one reason why we shouldn’t,” Dean replied, voice harsh. “Who are you?”

“Call me… Mr. Jones. I’m running away from a certain someone.” His face changed, but it was enough for Sam and Dean to see. they lowered their guns.

“Well… Mr. Jones, I guess you got something to tell us. What about you visit our guest room?” Sam said before turning around, expecting the man to follow him to their dungeon.

“Well, well, well, Mr. Trickster did it again, didn’t he?” Dean said as soon as the door closed. “This is the Trickster, also known as Gabriel the archangel. Big bag of dicks, but can be extremely helpful at times,” he explained to Charlie.

Charlie just nodded. “I know. The one who let you die about a hundred times on Tuesday, right? I’ve read the books. Just to mention: I totally ship Destiel!” she added.

Dean just sighed. Fangirls and their stuff, he’d never understand them.

“Anyways,” Gabriel said. “I have news about Cassie.”

Dean’s head immediately snapped back to Gabriel, all ears.

Gabriel laughed. “Oh my, you really do like him, don’t you?” he teased.

“I don’t…” Dean fell silent. “Yes, I do. Now please, go on.” He raised one eyebrow when he heard Charlie making the noises that were most comparable with a dying whale. _Fangirls._

“So, Cassie is now captured my Metatron, being punished for rebelling against heaven. You two,” he pointed at Dean and Sam. “Have to fight him to free Cas and open the gates. But you need someone else’s help, I’d say pay a visit to our good ol’ writer.

I can’t do much more; I can’t even show myself in angel form. Heaven’s got eyes everywhere now, I’m not safe here.” Gabriel finished.

Dean nodded; he understood perfectly what Gabriel meant. He was saddened by what the archangel had told them, but if there was a way to save Cas, he’d go for it. He was snapped out of his thoughts by Gabriel, who held out a small bottle.

“What…”

“Cas’ grace. Use it when you’re in heaven, you’ll need him to get back to earth.” Gabriel explained to an awe struck Dean.

“This is…” Dean wasn’t able to form a full sentence.

“Yes. In fact, angel’s grace is similar to a human’s soul. Don’t lose it,” Gabriel added. “I must go now, before they find out I’m gone again. I’ve been sneaking out a lot lately, but hey, _always happy to bleed for the Winchesters,_ isn’t it?” he said, quoting Cas.

“Thank you, Gabriel. We’ll make sure Gas gets back here safely, even if it’s the last thing to do. We owe you that much,” Sam said before Gabriel went invisible.

When Gabriel was gone, Sam and Charlie walked out of the dungeon, Dean following closely. When he closed the door, he heard Gabriel’s voice in his ear.

“Keep it with you, Dean. It’ll make you feel closer to Cas,” it said.

Dean looked at the small bottle of grace in his hand. He closed his fist around it and noticed a small ring on the plug. He thought about what Gabriel had told him, and suddenly he understood it.

Once they were back in the living room of the bunker, he took out the necklace and hung the grace next to the amulet. He smiled sadly before putting it back under his shirt. _The two people he cared for the most of the whole world, so close to his heart._

“Well,” Dean said, as he walked to the kitchen. “I say we get some food and pay our good friend Chuck a visit.”


	16. Chapter 16

Once they had eaten, they got in the Impala and went to Chuck Shurley’s house. It was a long drive, and they were tired, but they could get Cas back. Dean drove the first part of the ride, and once Sam had warned him 2 times already for almost falling asleep and crashing into another car, Sam took the wheel.

When they arrived at Chuck’s house, Sam woke up both Dean and Charlie. Dean jumped out of the car immediately; Charlie was still tired, but also awake very quickly.

Dean ringed the doorbell but no one opened the door. When Dean knocked, there still was no response. “Well, gotta go in the other way then,” he mumbled as he walked a few steps back. Sam knew what he was gonna do and put Charlie out of the way.

“Dean, what are you gonna do? Should I be scared?” she asked, “DEAN! You can’t just enter someone’s house!” she suddenly yelled, but it was too late.

Dean had opened the door and grinned. “Chuck doesn’t mind, he knows us.”

Charlie shook her head as if she couldn’t believe it, but then she just shrugged. They were the _Winchesters._ They probably had done a lot worse than breaking into someone’s house.

 The three of them went inside, Dean first, Charlie second and Sam third.

“Chuck?” Dean shouted. “Chuck, it’s us, don’t shoot, please!”

“Chuck doesn’t shoot on anyone coming into his house,” Sam assured Charlie as soon as he saw her face change, but Charlie wasn’t convinced.

“Then why is Dean asking him to not shoot?” she asked.

“So Chuck knows it’s actually us, we’re practically the only ones who would come in like that,” Sam explained, and suddenly it hit Charlie.

“You Winchesters and your code words,” she said. “You’re smart. Both of you are.”

Sam laughed. “Try to convince Dean of that, I’ll be surprised if you get him to believe it.”

When they had searched the whole house and had agreed Chuck wasn’t home, they decided to do some research with Chuck’s books. While Dean and Sam both got a pile of books, Charlie was gestured to the table where Chuck’s laptop was.

“Are you sure this is okay?” she asked, not sure what she would find. Sam and Dean nodded and she opened it. The first thing she saw was a Microsoft Word page, and even if she felt guilty for it, as soon as she spotted her own name, she started reading it.

_They had searched for Chuck in the whole house, but when it became clear he wasn’t home, they just sat in the living room, searching for useful things in the books. Charlie could work on the laptop standing on the table._

_“Are you sure this is okay?” she asked, not sure what she would find. Sam and Dean nodded and she opened it. She opened it, and saw a Microsoft Word-page. She wanted to close it, but spotted her own name, and started reading._

“Oh my god,” Charlie said. “This is creepy.”

Sam looked up. “I think Chuck was working on a new book. Don’t read it if you don’t want spoilers,” he said and winked at the last part.

Charlie just nodded and went to search through Chuck’s files.

For a while, it was silent, except for the turning of pages and the clicking of the laptop. Then, Charlie spoke.

“Guys, you might wanna see this. I found it somewhere between a lot of useless files, but this is a video he made…” she typed something. “3 weeks ago.”

As soon as Sam and Dean could see the screen, she turned up the volume and pressed ‘play’.

_Hey guys, uhm, this is Chuck, hello Charlie, nice to meet you._

_I made this video because I already knew what was gonna happen. Charlie, you managed to find this video, so I am sure you’ll find the other files too. They are important to me. You’ll also need the books. Good luck with everything and…_

_I guess I’ll see you soon, bye guys._

Chuck waved awkwardly and then the screen went black.

“Alright,” Dean said. “I guess we gotta take this back to the bunker and find out whatever the hell he is speaking about.”

Soon, they were sitting in the Impala on the way back, with Chuck’s laptop and a few other books with them. Dean sighed. Ever since Metatron had been messing with heaven, the only thing they did every day was research, whether there was a case or not, the rest of the time was filled with research. And if there was one thing Dean hated, it was research.

“Go to sleep, Dean. We will start,” Sam said once they arrived.

Dean looked up in surprise. Sam didn’t say things like that so often any more. When he looked into the eyes of his brother, he suddenly understood. This is what Sam must have felt like in the very beginning when Jess died. And later, when Madison had to die.

Sam understood what Dean was going through, and he was right. Dean was tired; he didn’t sleep well any more. So, Dean just nodded and headed off towards his bedroom. He took out the small bottle of grace and looked at it.

The grace swirled around in the bottle, alive. It was fascinating, but at the same time it made Dean incredibly sad. This was Cas’ grace. It should be inside of Cas, not in a small bottle Dean had with him. He sighed and fell asleep with the bottle in his hands.

The next few days were spent just like a few weeks ago. Waking up, having breakfast, doing research, and going back to bed. It was as boring and frustrating as it ever had been, and no words were said unless they had to.

Then, one day Charlie jumped out of her chair and almost screamed, causing Sam and Dean to almost fall off their own chairs. “I got it!” she yelled. “I spent the whole day and night hacking this, and I finally got the files! I now know what to do to save Cas.”

“Good job!” Sam said, and then looked at Charlie. “So now you got this hacked, you get the hell to sleep.” She had big gray bags under her eyes and she looked more tired than she had ever looked before.

“No, I need to…” she tried, but Dean just picked her up from the ground and lifted her in his arms where she dozed off immediately.

“When we tell you to sleep, you go to sleep,” Dean said, smiling. Somewhere, he felt proud Charlie felt safe enough to fall asleep in his arms. He walked to her bedroom and laid her down. When he came back, Sam was stretching himself.

“I say we go take a nap too, none of us has been sleeping last night,” he suggested.

Dean agreed, the three of them had been really close to answers last night, so they never looked at the time and just worked until the sun shone through the window again. They weren’t even surprised any more when that happened. Both Sam and Dean had never slept much, but the past weeks had been a record.

Right before he fell asleep, Dean took the bottle with grace in his hands. _I’ll find you. And I’ll save you. I promise._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N Sorry, this chapter has been more of a filler. I don’t think I have ever typed a chapter this slow. I just couldn’t come up with the words, it was horrible. But anyways, here it is. Next chapter will be about Cas ayyee (it’s a bit sad oops, I hurt myself by writing it). Thanks for reading!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter contains thoughts that are associated with depression. If you are not comfortable with reading this, you can scroll to the endnotes and I’ll tell you what happened in this chapter.

 

 

Meanwhile in Heaven, Cas was sitting in a cell. He knew this place; he had been visiting some prisoners a while ago. And now he was a prisoner himself.

He remembers exactly what happened once he and the other angels left Earth.

_They stood in a circle around the fire when suddenly a whooshing sound was heard. Castiel and the other angels were lifted towards the sky. He didn’t even have the change to say goodbye to Dean. he didn’t know what was happening and he was scared._

_A lot has happened since he had become a human. He learned what emotions were. He felt them. He had felt a lot of them. But he never had been as scared as he was now. As soon as they passed the heavenly gates, he took a piece of paper out of the pocket of his trench coat and wrote a message. Right before the gates closed again, he threw the paper out, hoping Dean would receive it._

_When he turned around, the first thing he saw was… nothing. Someone coughed and Castiel looked down to see Metatron. Metatron snapped his fingers and suddenly Castiel had handcuffs. He tried to escape them, but he knew he couldn’t do anything. He was a human now._

_Metatron had smiled creepily and led Castiel to the heavenly prison cells. Once Castiel was locked up, Metatron told him he’d visit every day to tell Castiel why he was locked up._

Metatron hadn’t lied. Every single day, he came to Cas’ cell, and every day he’d tell Cas how worthless he was.

“The apocalypse was your fault.”

“You are a worthless creature.”

“Losing your grace is what you deserved.”

“Dean should be ashamed of you.”

“You don’t even deserve Dean.”

Every day, the insults became worse and worse, until finally Cas gave in. He was a worthless human, and Dean didn’t deserve him.

He agreed with what Metatron said, no matter what he said. Metatron was right. Metatron knew the truth.

Metatron also told him Dean didn’t miss him. He asked if Dean had ever told Cas he loved Cas. Cas shook his head.

“He has never loved anyone,” Metatron said. “And if he would ever love anyone, it wouldn’t be you. You’re too clumsy. Dean Winchester would love someone who walks like the earth is one with them. Dean would love someone who is able to make him happy.

But you, the only thing Dean ever does is worrying about you. He doesn’t need more worries. He doesn’t need to lose sleep over you. He doesn’t need you when you can’t comfort him. He doesn’t need you when you make him angry.”

Every word hit Cas like someone stabbed him over and over again. But Metatron was right. _Dean didn’t need him._

All those times Dean had said he needed Cas, he had been lying. He didn’t need Cas. He needed Cas’ angelic powers.

Then, one day, someone appeared in his cell.

“Chuck?”

“Hello Castiel,” Chuck said.

Cas said nothing.

“I am currently unable to help you, but we will get you out of here soon. Sam and Dean are-” but he was interrupted by Cas.

“No.”

“What do you mean, no? you’ll be freed and you can go back to the bunker and-”

“I said, _no,”_ Cas’ gruff voice said. He sounded broken. “I don’t want Sam and Dean to be here. They can’t see me. I am worth nothing without my powers.”

Chuck sighed. Once he was able to, he’d get Metatron back for this. “Castiel…” he tried once more, but Cas wouldn’t hear it.

“Just go,” he replied.

It wasn’t until Chuck had disappeared when Cas wondered how Chuck could transport that easy. He only had been a prophet of the Lord, and Kevin wasn’t able to do so. Cas shrugged and decided he didn’t care.

Just as he wanted to go to sleep, Metatron walked by. “Oh no, you don’t think you’d go to sleep before we had a little talk, do you?”

Cas said nothing.

“Alright, well let’s see what you remember from our last talks. Are you an angel?”

Cas shook his head.

“Are you worth anything without your grace?”

Cas shook his head.

“All that’s happening right now, whose fault is that?”

“Mine.”  Cas’ voice trembled.

“Aright, alright, you learned well. Now tell me all you know.”

“I am a failure,” Cas started. “Dean does not deserve someone like me. He doesn’t care about me.”

_“Let me bottom-line it for you. I'm not leaving here without you. Understand?” Dean said in purgatory._

“He never has cared for me.”

_“I’d rather have you, cursed or not,” Dean said when they were planning on killing Dick Roman._

“He does not...”

_“I need you,” Dean had prayed endless times._

“He does not need me.”  
_“Cas, buddy, I need you,” Dean had said to him._

“He’ll never love me.”

_All those times Dean had looked at him, eyes full of love and care._

By the time Cas was done, his eyes were closed. But he knew Metatron had nodded. Because Metatron always did. Because Cas was telling the truth.

Metatron was right, Cas finally saw it. Metatron knew what Dean thought about Cas, and Cas had been wrong the entire time. Cas couldn’t read Dean’s mind. All his memories were just things he had imagined.

_Dean was his weak spot._

He didn’t want to see Dean. He was ashamed of what he had thought. He was ashamed of his actions.

Dean couldn’t see him like this, Dean would never forgive Cas.

_Dean needed to forget all the wrong actions Cas had ever made._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who have not read this chapter: Metatron is torturing Cas by telling him Cas is not worth it and that Dean does not feel the same for Cas as Cas does for Dean. Metatron’s plan is working and Cas now things he is worth nothing and that Dean doesn’t care about him. He doesn’t want to see Dean.  
> Also, Chuck has visited Cas but he hasn’t been there for long. Cas doesn't want to see anyone at the moment.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I updated this late, but I went to London from Thursday 11pm to Saturday 2.30am and i didn't sleep for 48 hours (it was really awesome tho, really worth the not sleeping), so on Saturday I woke up late, and fell asleep 2 times on the couch. Today (infact yesterday bc its 2.20am oops) we had this family brunch stuff and after it I fell asleep on the couch again, and also I'm at my dad's house and I don't have my own compuer so thats why I updated this late. I'm sorry, and also hAPPY EASTER FOR THOSE WHO CELEBRATE I HOPE YOU HAVE/HAD A NICE DAY AND IF NOT: I FEEL SORRY FOR YA AND IF YOU NEED TO TALK: COMMENT AND I CAN GIVE YOU ANY KIND OF SOCIAL MEDIA ACC WE CAN TALK ALRIGHT ILY ALL.
> 
> (also I have no idea when I'll be able to update again because I am still writing the 19th chapter, but it's on my pc at home. I hope I'll get it done before Wednesday but I can't promise anything, I'm sorry)

“Alright,” Charlie said while shoving the pancakes Dean made into her mouth. “These files are made by Chuck, and they’re protected from any kind of evil. Demons are probably too dumb to hack.”

Sam listened but didn’t look at her. Charlie could be Dean’s sister right now, speaking with her mouth full so Sam was able to see all the pancakes going around in her mouth. It only became worse when Dean stood next to her, and doing exactly the same.

“Better safe than sorry,” Dean read. “Well, he has a good point. I wouldn’t want any demon to burst into heaven either.”

That got Sam’s attention. “Burst into heaven? You mean…”

“Yep,” Dean replied, a big grin on his face. “Our personal way into heaven, _without having to die._ ”

They finished breakfast quickly, and went to get the ingredients for the spells they had to use. One spell would give them something to kill Metatron with; the other would send them to heaven. They were quite easy, but the ‘big task’, as Chuck had put it, was killing Metatron.

Once they would be sent to heaven, they would have to distract Metatron enough. They couldn’t kill him themselves; only one person was able to do so: God.

Charlie went to the store to get the basic ingredients. It wasn’t hard to do, but it was safe, and the last thing the Winchesters would want was another person in danger because of them. She got a small list and went her way.

Dean got the Impala and went to a whole other state, where the witch shop was. They needed the weirdest ingredients, and only the witch shop could have them all.

Sam stayed at the bunker, reading through the files and inspecting if they missed something. He put the things he and Dean had found in the books together and thought of a plan. They needed to be organized, if anything went wrong, they would be screwed.

When Charlie came back from the store, she helped Sam, and together they made a plan A and a plan B. they had no idea where Cas was or who God would be, but they figured out God would show up when it was time.

While Dean was away, Charlie taught Sam about the thing called ‘Destiel’. She explained it was a ship name for Dean and Cas and how cute everyone thought they were together. Chuck hadn’t published another book in a while, but everyone was waiting for it. Chuck had been more popular than Dean and Sam had always thought.

By the time Dean came back, it was late night already. They checked everything again, and then went to bed. It was 2am and they had quite a big day the day after.

Dean felt a small sparkle; tomorrow he would finally see Cas again. He had never realized how much he always missed Cas when Cas wasn’t there. It wasn’t just when they had become a couple, Dean had always felt a ache when Cas left again.

He wondered if he _loved_ Cas. Sure, he cared for Cas as much as for Sam, but he hadn’t loved anyone in a long time. his thoughts kept him awake for a long time,

They woke up early again. None of them had been able to sleep really well that night. They sat at the table, looking tired with heavy bags under their eyes. When they were done with breakfast, they grabbed the stuff they needed and headed to the garage where the Impala was already waiting.

Dean drove them to the right place, somewhere in the woods where no one could see them. “I’ll be back, baby. Don’t miss me too badly,” Dean said and Sam just shook his head.

“Come on, Dean, now is not the time to talk to her.”

“You actually _do_ talk to your car?” Charlie seemed a bit shocked.

Dean huffed and patted the roof. “Don’t mind them, baby. They don’t mean it,” he muttered and gave her one final pat before he went with Sam and Charlie.

Once they were far enough in the woods, they got out the ingredients for the first spell. The way to use was very witch-y, and they asked themselves where the hell Chuck got all of it from. They mixed some ingredients, and Dean made a pentagram in the dirt. The mixture went in the middle and Sam said the words of the spell.

It all started smoking and making sounds (which explained why they had to do this in an area where no one could see them) but after a few minutes the smoke was gone and an object lay in the middle of the pentagram. It looked like a bone with a very sharp end.

“That’ll kill Metatron?” Dean asked, looking skeptically at it. “So we could’ve just taken _any_ random bone with a sharp end instead of going into the woods, leave my baby alone and summon _this thing?”_

“Well I’m sure Chuck told us to go here and do this all for a reason, which probably means that we can’t kill him with just _any random bone,”_ Sam replied, giving Dean a nice bitch face with a 9/10 power.

“Alright, alright,” Dean muttered. “Let’s do the other one. What does it say? Summons someone who can send our asses up to heaven?”

Charlie said nothing and just listened. She had learned that once they were bickering you could better not interrupt them. It was nice to hear them; it made her feel more like a sister of them. Dean had told her she was practically family, too, and this was one of the moments where she just _knew_ he had meant it.

As soon as they had done the second spell, someone appeared behind them. Charlie, who had not seen him yet, turned around when she heard something and screamed.

“Am I that scary?” Chuck asked, laughing.

_“Chuck?”_

“Who else? I am the one who made those damned spells! Hello Charlie, nice to finally meet you in person. I am glad you’re enjoying my books.”

Charlie just stood there with her mouth open, not able to reply. Her heart was still beating very fast, but that wasn’t that much of a problem. _This_ was Chuck? The prophet of the lord who knew every single thing that has ever happened and was gonna happen in the Winchester’s life _wore a bathrobe?_

“Anyways, I knew you guys would come this far, but the hard part has yet to come. Since Metatron is a really powerful angel, you cannot kill him yourself. There’s only one who can do so and that’s God. However, you two should manage to get him distracted enough so God can do his work.” Chuck said, looking at Sam and Dean.

“Wait, so there actually _is_ a God?” Dean asked. It wasn’t the smartest question after what Chuck had told them, but Dean was almost shocked. So many years had no one heard anything, and now this prophet came telling them God still did exist?

“Of course there is, He has always been there, looking over things, regularly checking on the angels. Just the fact that no one has known of His presence does not mean He wasn’t there.”

Dean still had one more question. “Then why the hell did this ‘God’ let all of this happen, huh? Why did Bobby have to die? Why did Ellen and Jo have to die? And Kevin? _His own prophet for god’s sake!”_ He hadn’t realized he cursed until it was too late already. He didn’t understand it, this God could have stopped so many things, and he had decided to do nothing at all.

“Some things just have to happen, Dean. I am really sorry for your losses.” Chuck replied.

“And how exactly do _you_ know all these things?”

Chuck sighed. “I know more than you’ll ever think I will. But you’re wasting your time here. Can I send you upstairs?”

“Wait a minute here,” Sam said. He had been silent all this time. Years ago, he had believed in God. Then all this shit had happened and he has slowly lost his faith. The angels falling, no one knew where the hell God was, and now they should just trust Him to show up?

“So God is just… gonna show up when it’s ‘the right time’, right? And how do we know when that is? How do we know he even shows up en general? No one has heard from him in _years._ And now we gotta trust Him with our lives while fighting _Metatron?_ I’m sorry, but even _I_ have lost my faith.”

“I’m sure he’ll be there, I’ve seen it, and you know everything I see is true. Do you believe me?”

Dean just kinda shrugged but Chuck didn’t take that as an answer.

“This is important, Dean and Sam. You have to believe in God. You have to have _faith.”_

They thought about it. It was true, every single thing Chuck had seen had happened. But it was so hard to trust a God who hadn’t been showing any signs of life for _decennia._

“Alright,” Sam decided. “I have faith. I am willing to let my life depend on God.”

Dean couldn’t do anything but agree. No way in hell he was letting his little brother go up there alone. “I’m with you,” he said. And, with a little struggle he added: “I believe He will show up.”

“Good,” Chuck replied. “One more warning, Dean: Cas may not be the same as when you left him. Be prepared.” And with that, he touched both Cas and Dean’s shoulders, disappearing with them.

Charlie had been hearing and seeing it all. She was awe struck. This is not what she had been expecting from a guy in a bathrobe. But then again, everything in the life of the Winchesters had been messed up, sometimes the good and sometimes the bad kind. She decided to just go with it and wait for Sam and Dean to come back.

She was just about to sit down when Chuck came back. “I’ll get you to the bunker; it’s too cold out here to wait for them. I don’t know how long they will be busy up there,” he said.

The next second, Charlie was in the bunker, Chuck by her side. He looked like he wanted to leave, but turned around once more.

“I know what happened in Oz what you didn’t tell them. I just wanted to tell you that it’s okay. There are other girls for you, alright? And don’t be afraid to tell them one day. You’re a part of their family now. Good luck.” He smiled and then disappeared, leaving Charlie behind with her jaw on the floor.

_How did he know?_

Chuck seemed very wise. She almost thought…. But that couldn’t be true. She’d just have to wait for Sam and Dean for that answer. She grabbed a book, and sat herself on the couch, but she couldn’t concentrate. What Chuck had said spooked through her mind, and after a while she stood up and sat at the table where she started writing her own story. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooooOoooOOoooOoOOo who's God ????? And what has Charlie been not telling??? Who knows ???? Not me that's for sure. (that's actually true for the Charlie-part, I have no idea what Charlie was not telling oops I just wanted to drop some nice hints alright pls don't hate me. Maybe I'll think of something later and I'll add it ok Charlie's nice to write)
> 
> Anyways, I hoped you liked this chapter, it was a bit longer than usual but hey, I don't mind. As usual, thanks for reading ^^


	19. Chapter 19

Sam and Dean were in heaven within a second. Their years of hunting made them cover each other immediately, looking around for anything that could hurt them. When nothing was seen, they looked at each other.

“So… this is heaven, I guess?”

“I guess so.”

They started walking, not sure where to go, until suddenly a scream was heard.

_“Cas!”_ Dean immediately started running, but Sam held him back.

“Dean, we can’t just go running in there. You have no idea what is going on, you have no idea what is about to happen, and neither do you have _any_ idea about their ways to get us here. Maybe it’s a trick. Maybe they just want to lure you in.”

Dean thought about it. Sam could be right, but that was _Cas._

“Alright, alright. I’ll just walk,” he said, but he held the bone steady in his hands, ready to attack if needed.

Sam walked behind him, angel blade in one hand, and a gun in the other in case there were not-angels who needed to be killed quickly. It was crazy what they were doing, risking their lives in a way like this, but they’d do anything for family.

They kept walking through heaven; it was all so bright and light. Both Sam and Dean had been to hell, but this was the first time they were actually in heaven.

It felt like they were going on a hunt as they had been for years and years. Dean walking in front, protecting his little brother for whatever might be coming, Sam walking behind, he’d always have Dean’s back. They had been doing this for so long, they automatically went like this.

As they walked closer, Cas’ voice was more and more audible. It sounded like he was saying something to someone but they were still too far away to hear it clearly. However, they noticed his voice sounded monotone. As if someone had been training him to say certain things.

Suddenly, someone stood in front of them.

“Ah, if I didn’t expect you two to be showing up here,” Metatron said.

“Where’s Cas?” Dean only asked.

“Oh, eager, aren’t we? Your little boyfriend is out of your sight, Dean-o. you can’t help him now.”

If Sam hadn’t held Dean back, Dean would’ve slammed the bone through Metatron’s throat.

He hated Metatron so much; he was on the top of the list. Hell, even Lucifer was better than Metatron.

Metatron then noticed the bone Dean held. “That won’t kill me, if you were thinking that,” he said. “Only this can kill me.” He reached in his coat and put out an angel blade. But not just any angel blade. It was enormous and seemed to shine more than any other angel blade they ever had seen before.

Dean frowned. Did Chuck lie?

Sam, as always, seemed to feel what his brother was thinking and put a hand on his arm. _I have your back,_ it meant. He’d always be there for his brother, even when their lives were in danger. Before his mind started to wander off to all the times he had left Dean alone, he shook his head. Dean needed him _now._ He needed Sam to be focused.  

“It’s an angel blade,” Metatron explained. “Just not _any_ angel blade. The only one who can kill with this God himself. I stole it so now He can’t kill me, if he’s even ever deciding to show up.”

“So you _stole_ God’s glade? Man, he must be pissed. I really hope he’ll split you in halves,” Dean said.

Sam hadn’t been saying anything yet. He was thinking of a small plan to get out of here, _with_ Cas, without spending too much energy. Who knew how much Cas needed them?

Suddenly, Dean realized something. “So Cas _is_ here?”

When Metatron nodded, even Sam couldn’t hold Dean back anymore. He flew forwards and started attacking Metatron. Sam quickly went after him, trying to get Metatron away from Dean and keeping Dean away from Metatron at the same time.

Sam sighed. If they could just distract Metatron and then hurt him so much all at once, they probably wouldn’t be hurt and they would have left some energy. But now, his plan wouldn’t work. Dean had messed it all up and they had to fight.

Sam didn’t blame Dean. When Dean had come into his and Jess’ room at night all those years ago, the first thing he did was fight the stranger. He hadn’t stopped until he had seen it was Dean. On hunts, it was the same story. Fight the evil, protect your family.  That’s how they were raised, and that’s how they would always react.

At first, Metatron had laughed when Dean attacked him. “You can’t hurt me, I’m an angel,” he had said. But once Dean had touched him with the bone, he stopped laughing.

“That’s not… that’s not what I think it is, right?”

Dean took the moment of confusion and stabbed him. But Metatron was smart, and quick, and Dean could only his his arm. However, it was enough to have Metatron bleeding.

Both Sam and Dean froze completely, staring as hypnotized at the angel blood, flooding over Metatron’s arm.

Then, Dean slowly looked between the bone and the blood. His lips tugged into an evil smile. “Not so badass now anymore, are we?” he said to Metatron, who was frozen too, staring at the bone in Dean’s hand.

“It can’t be,” he whispered.

“Well, I don’t know what the hell this is, but I do know it’s able to hurt you. And so I will use it,” Dean simply replied. He attacked right after, and this time Sam fought with him immediately.

As Dean kept stabbing Metatron in several places, just to hurt him enough so he couldn’t hurt the brothers, Sam distracts Metatron by using the angel blade. He had put the gun in the loophole of his pants already, and switched hands while stabbing Metatron with the angel blade.

The angel blade didn’t have the same effect as the bone, but it still hurt Metatron. Soon, he realized he couldn’t do much but hoping this would be over soon while squirming in pain every time either Dean or Sam stabbed him.

While Metatron was getting weaker with every time the blade and bone hit him, Sam and Dean were getting their energy and hope back. They discovered that if Sam would hit Metatron in a wound Dean just had made, it would hurt twice as much.

It looked like torturing, but it wasn’t. Metatron had deserved this, for putting their family and all the angels in so much misery. With every time they hit him, they thought of another victim.

_Sam. Dean. Cas._

_Kevin, Gabriel._

_Even Charlie was now involved in this mess._

Then, Dean realized he hadn’t thought of what had happened to Charlie. _Was she okay? Had Chuck brought her back to the bunker?_ His thoughts distracted him, and Metatron noticed. He used the moment to take God’s blade and knocked away the bone.

Luckily, Sam always had Dean’s back, and therefore he knew what was going on. While hitting Metatron right in the open wound in his knee, he reached out to the bone behind him. Metatron had been stupid to let it go in Sam’s direction. Using his leg, he shoved Dean back the bone.

Dean knew he had made a mistake, and picked up the bone, stabbing Metatron even deeper.

It went on like this until they heard a voice, and they all froze right on their places.

_“I am worth nothing without my grace._

_All what’s happening right now is my fault._

_I am a failure and I deserve to be punished.”_

“CAS!” Dean screamed, and suddenly they were all moving. Dean ran to the direction Cas’ voice had come from, almost _though_ Metatron. Metatron didn’t matter right now. Because, no matter how monotone that voice had sounded, it was _Cas._ He would recognize that gruff voice everywhere.

Metatron tried to hold Dean back, causing his arm to almost gotten cut off. He quickly took it back and let Dean run.

Sam shot Metatron a 45/10 powered bitchface and then ran after Dean.

“Cas, listen! I have your grace, and we’re here to free you!” Dean yelled while running. “We’re gonna kill Metat-

_Metatron!_

We’ll kill Metatron together alright, I have your grace, it’s going to be okay!”

They didn’t know what to expect when arriving at Cas’ cell, but what they saw wasn’t anything they could have expected.

Cas was sitting on the floor, knees up to his chest and his eyes closed. He didn’t respond to any of what Dean and Sam said, and just sat there. It was a sad view.

“Not so optimistic any more, are we?” Metatron said behind them, and suddenly Dean turned around.

“YOU S _ON OF A BITCH!”_ He yelled, and Stabbed Metatron right in the chest with the bone. While Metatron sank to his knees in pain, Sam knocked away the Blade of God. Now, Metatron was unarmed, and hurt. They didn’t know if they had to pray to God, but it wasn’t needed.

“Ah, good to finally have this back,” a very familiar voice said.

_“CHUCK?!”_  Both Sam and Dean spoke at the same time. They didn’t know whether to be relieved or pissed. _Chuck,_ the ‘prophet of the Lord’ had been God _all the freaking time?_ Couldn’t he have done the damned job himself?

“Yes, and no,” Chuck said. “I am God. I am sorry you had to find out this way, but I had no other choice. i can’t show my real self, or tell anyone when I don’t have my blade. This blade is made for me; it’s what makes me God.

What you needed to do was distract Metatron and make him lose this blade. You did your job well. I am proud of you.”

Sam and Dean were stunned. Then, Dean realized they had finally found Cas. He slipped off the necklace and took the small bottle with Cas’ grace. “Here,” he said to Cas. “This is yours.”

Cas looked up, and without a word, he held out a shaky hand. Dean gave him the bottle and Cas went back into his old position, bottle with grace now in his hand. He probably was shocked.

“Did you have your boyfriend’s grace with you? How cute,” Metatron sneered. They had almost forgotten he was still there. Even when he was hurt, and could be dead any second, he managed to still be such an _asshole._

“You,” Chuck told him. “Need to shut your mouth. You are a shame for all the angels. What you have done is unforgivable and I have to punish you in the only way possible.” And with that, Chuck lifted his blade and stabbed Metatron right in the chest.

There was a blinding white light, and after a few seconds, Metatron lied on the ground.

In his hands he held another bottle. Chuck took the bottle and with a turn of his wrist, Cas’ cell door opened. He mentioned for Sam and Dean to step closer and held each other.

Within a second, they were back in the bunker, where Charlie jumped up from the couch.

“You’re finally here! I already thought something was wrong! Are you all okay? What happened? Did you kill him?” she asked, but no one answered her yet.

Cas was an angel again, and stood still while healing the wounds he had gotten as a human. Dean and Sam stood next to him, not knowing what to say. Suddenly, Deans legs gave up on him. He had been really tired and all what happened had been so impressive, his body couldn’t take it anymore. Luckily, Sam caught him so he didn’t pass out on the floor.

When Dean woke up again, he was lying on the couch. He looked around and saw Cas, Sam and Charlie sitting around him.

_They had survived._

_Metatron was killed._

_Cas was safe._

Dean closed his eyes and fell asleep once again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: this is not the end!!! *laughs evilly*
> 
> Yes, Cas is saved and angel again and all that but there’s gonna happen another thing ooOooOOOooOOoo
> 
> Also yup, I still believe Chuck is God, who else would it be? In the Kings Of Con (if you don’t know what it is: check it out! it’s a new web series by Richard (Gabriel) and Rob (Chuck). It’s gonna be awesome) trailer Rich also said Chuck is God and how they killed of God so yea. It’s canon for me.
> 
> Anyways I hope you liked this chapter, it turned out to be a bit longer than I had expected but oh well. Thanks for reading!


	20. Chapter 20

Of course, they couldn’t expect everything was back to normal as soon as Cas saw Dean’s face.

 And that’s why they were sitting down at the dinner table, Cas, Dean, Sam and Charlie. Dean sat next to Cas, but there was space between them and he looked like a total wreck.

It was 3 days after they had all come back. 3 days and Cas still hadn’t changed. He hadn’t talked to Dean, hadn’t touched him, and most of his time, he was just… somewhere.

Dean could remember it all perfectly. One moment, he had woken up, lying on the couch, seeing the most important people sit with him: Sam, Cas and Charlie. The next moment, he had woken up and he was alone. It was dark already, and Dean felt guilty for just falling asleep after what happened to Cas.

He had searched around the bunker, Cas’ room first, then his own. When Cas wasn’t there he moved on to the kitchen, the library, and all the other rooms Cas could possibly be. After 20 minutes, sitting with his head on his hands on the edge of his bed, he realized Cas was an angel again. And so, he prayed.

“Cas, I don’t know if you’re busy right now, but… if you are free, can you come by?”

He heard the familiar swoosh of wings and opened his eyes to see Cas standing. Cas looked broken.

“Hiya, Cas,” Dean said.

“Hello, Dean.”

_God, he had missed that._

“What did you need me for?”

“Are you busy?”

“No.”

_Something was off about him._

“Alright… do you need anything?”

“Dean, I am an angel, I can take care of myself again,” Cas replied.

Dean was silent for a moment. “Do you want to spend the night here?” he finally asked, not sure how Cas would react.

“I don’t sleep.”

_That hurt._ When Cas had been human, he had leaned on Dean. He needed Dean to teach him how to function, how to keep himself clean, how to not overcome as a giant asshole. And now, Cas was an angel. An angel who was perfectly able to take care of himself and didn’t need Dean any more.

Dean let his head drop down and sighed. “If you want to, you know you’re always welcome here, right?” He looked at his hands, folded in his lap.

“Of course, Dean. Good night.” Cas was gone before Dean could even look up.

He sighed again and slowly turned around to his bed, empty as it had been since Cas got captured by Metatron.

Suddenly, Dean thought of Cas’ voice, saying he wasn’t worth anything and how everything was his fault. _That son of a bitch!_ Metatron had clearly been messing with Cas’ head, and Dean didn’t know how long it would take to get Cas back. His own Cas.

He didn’t sleep that night. Neither did he the second night, and the third was as bad. He had been praying to Cas, telling him he was so much more than worth it, saying he’d very much like to have Cas join him. They didn’t need to do anything, Dean just wanted… Cas.

Cas had been gone for weeks, and all the time, Dean had been worried. He had missed Cas like hell, and now Cas was back and he still had to miss him.

Sam and Charlie had seen Dean change from happy to the mess he was now within 3 days. They both knocked on his door every few hours with breakfast, lunch, or dinner. They brought him water, beer and even whiskey. But Dean didn’t touch anything. When he started to turn down the whiskey, Sam and Charlie decided they had to do something about it.

And that’s how they were all sitting around the table, in silence. Charlie just looked between Dean and Cas, finding none of the affection they had before. Sam watched at his hands, which were lying on the table. He seemed to be thinking really hard.

Cas did what he usually did, if he ever was present: staring off in the middle of nowhere, not focusing on anything. he didn’t talk, didn’t move, and he probably didn’t even breathe either.

Dean was sitting next to him, holding back the urge to put a hand on Cas’ arm, to let their knees touch, anything. But he couldn’t. Cas had been so cold to him, he only came when Dean prayed and said goodnight and disappeared again. Dean was fairly sure now that Cas was an angel, he didn’t want to do anything with Dean any more.

Cas had his powers back, Cas could throw Dean against a wall, Cas could hurt Dean with a flick of his wrist. Cas could yell at him, tell him how much Dean had hurt him. But was silent, and that was the part that hurt Dean the most. Cas didn’t want to talk, with anyone. He wouldn’t say what was wrong, and he wouldn’t say how to make it better.

“Cas,” Sam started, his voice croaking after the long silence. “We really want to help you, but you gotta tell us-”

_“No,”_ came Cas’ reply, making Dean flinch.

He wanted to get up, but they had prepared for this. Dean grabbed Cas’ arm, and held him down, looking at Cas’ face, studying any movement. But there wasn’t any. Cas didn’t flinch at Dean’s touch, he didn’t shove Dean’s hand away, he just sat there.

“We could do this the easy or the hard way…” Sam warned Cas once again.

“I don’t _want_ to,” Cas said.

Sam nodded and Charlie lighted up a lighter and before Cas could even realize it, he was trapped in a ring of holy fire. It was the first time he made any movements, his face moved and he scrunched up his nose in disgust.

“We warned you, Cas,” Sam said. “This is the only way we have. We need you, Cas. I need you, Charlie needs you. _Dean needs you.”_  He walked away, Charlie following quickly, which left Cas and Dean inside the ring of fire.

Dean thought of ways Cas could get out. Maybe Cas had something in his pockets, you never knew it with him and that trench coat. Cas could throw Dean on the fire, using him as a bridge. But Cas stood still, and stared right back into Dean’s eyes.

It was only then, when Dean realized he still held Cas’ arm. As he removed his hand, Cas didn’t move, just kept staring.

“Dean,” he said, and Dean felt his insides melt. “Dean, why are you doing this?”

It was silent. Dean hadn’t spoken all morning and the words were held back in his throat. He coughed once, twice, before finally speaking.

“Cas, I want you back. I _need_ you back.”

Cas shook his head. “This doesn’t work that easily, Dean. What Metatron did to me, will be in my brain for a long time. Unless I reset my own memory, and come back as a new angel.”

“And you… would you do that?” Dean’s voice was shakily.

“No,” Cas said. “I can’t. I have good memories, if I reset them, nothing will be left. Not you, not Sam, not Bobby, not Charlie, not Kevin, no one.” Dean shuddered at the use of Bobby’s and Kevin’s names.

“You gotta trust me, Dean. You said it once, I am your family. I want to be your family, you guys are the only family I have. Soon, it’ll be all over.”

But Dean wasn’t done yet. “Cas, you didn’t say _anything_ besides the formal angel crap past days! You left me alone, you could at least have _warned_ me you were gonna do this!” He felt himself become angrier and angrier and tried to calm down.

“You _are_ family, Cas. That’s why we want to help you, but please, _let us._ I can’t lose you, not another time. I have lost you so many times already, and every time I think it’s the last time I’ll ever see you again, and I just… I can’t deal with it, Cas.”

Cas was silent for a few minutes. He looked in the direction of the kitchen, but was staring to nothing.

“You won’t, Dean,” he finally said. “Tomorrow, I’ll be okay, _I promise.”_

Dean looked into his eyes, blue with the orange of the fire reflecting in them. It was beautiful.

“Okay,” he said. “Tomorrow.”

He slowly put handful of sand out of his pocket and swallowed. _“Tomorrow,”_ he finally said.

_“Tomorrow,”_ Cas promises, eyes pleading to be let go.

As soon as Dean put the sand on the fire, Cas disappeared. He sighed and walked out of the fire as well, getting more sand to cover it. For a moment, he thought he felt something on his face, and smiled. Then, he realized Cas hadn’t touched him in three days, and it was probably something else. His smile faded away as he covered the fire.

He went to bed straight after, curling up under the covers and pressing his face into his pillow. With Cas’ promise, he’d be able to sleep again.

Sadly, his brain didn’t have it that way, and so, Dean replayed the whole talk again. There had been so much sadness into Cas’ eyes, so much hurt. _What had Metatron done to him?_

All out of sudden, he realized there were tears on his cheeks. Too lazy to wipe them away, he just sniffed and curled himself up even further.

_Tomorrow,_ was his final thought before finally fading away into a deep sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not proofread yet, I will do it tomorrow.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N I'm so sorry for such a late update. I have no idea what's up with my internet lately but it never works and I just- *sounds of me banging my head against a wall*.
> 
> Also lats episode got me crying pretty much. I was honestly thinking i predicted the future with my fic... Sam, Dean, Charlie and Cas having dinner I just oh my god. If only the actual "destiel" part could come to life tho hahaha
> 
> Anyways, here's your update :)

The next morning, Dean woke up slowly. He stretched and rubbed his eyes before looking around. His eyes spotted the plate of eggs with bacon set on his nightstand. He raised his eyebrows and picked it up, it was cold.

He decided to take a shower first, and then go to the kitchen to warm up his eggs. He wondered why he didn’t wake up to the smell of them; he must have been very tired. He shrugged and stripped off his clothes to get into the shower.

As soon as he was done, he picked up his plate and walked out of his room. As he passed Cas in the hallways, he noticed Cas looked… afraid?

“Hiya, Cas, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Cas mumbled and he walked on.

Dean frowned. He’d check on Cas later, he was now hungry and really wanted his eggs.

“Hey Sammy, did you make these eggs? I wouldn’t mind being woken up for eggs,” he said as soon as he saw Sam.

Sam sprung up from his chair like he was stung by a bee. _“Dean?”_

“Yea of course, who else would it be?”

“No, I meant… I just…” Sam shook his head and seemed to recover. “You have been asleep for so long, I was just surprised.”

“How do you mean? I only went to sleep last night?”

“Dean, it’s Wednesday. You slept from Monday night all through Tuesday.”

“Ah, alright. I must’ve been more tired than I thought. I haven’t slept very well past days. Oh, well, I’m just gonna warm up these eggs, I’m starving,” Dean replied and walked to the microwave. Why was everyone acting so… weird?

As soon as his eggs were done, he sat at the table and started eating. _Delicious._ “You got us a case?” he asked Sam, who was busy typing on the laptop.

“Nope, not yet. Which is nice, so we can rest well.”

“Hmm,” Dean hummed. He didn’t really like it, but Sam was right. After all, getting Cas back was a lot harder than they had thought.

After his breakfast, dean took a book and started reading. It was weird, they didn’t have a case, they didn’t have to save anyone, Sam, Dean, Cas and Charlie were all fine, and still, Dean had the feeling something was missing. His thoughts didn’t make it easier, and he decided to check on Charlie.

She had been in the bunker for a while, Sam had given her a random room at first, and when it became clear she’d be here for a while, they told her to just act like it was her own room. When Dean arrived, Charlie was listening to a song on her phone, eyes closed as she danced through the room.

Dean didn’t want to scare her, so he leaned against the doorpost. She moved so freely, as if nothing was even bothering her, as if there were no monsters, no demons, no dicks called angels, nothing. It reminded him of how he relaxed with his music in Baby. Speaking of her, he’d make a nice trip today since it had been too many time without driving her.

He smiled as Charlie danced, and watched her until the song was done. The ‘not scaring her’-part was failed, because once she saw him, she almost jumped up to a meter.

“Dean! You scared me!” she breathed out.

Dean laughed. “No worries, it’s only me. No evil is able to come inside,” he reminded her.

She still looked startled. “Yeah… I know. How are you?”

_Why does everyone keep asking that? They should be asking Cas,_ he thought. Which also reminded him to check on Cas later. “I’m fine,” he assured Charlie. “Do you need anything for your room?”

They both looked around. She had a few personal things, but nothing more.

“No, thank you, I’ll be fine here,” she said. Dean nodded and turned around. “If you need anything, just tell me!” he said, before walking away and finding his way to Cas.

As he walked through the bunker, he thought about how weird they all acted. He shrugged it off and walked to Cas’ room. When he opened the door, he was surprised at first when Cas wasn’t there. Then, he realized Cas was now an angel, and probably didn’t even use his room.

Dean tried to find Cas without praying, but then decided he should probably not pray if Cas wasn’t here. He was probably busy doing angel stuff.

He walked to the library and announced to Sam he was gonna take a trip with Baby. Sam just looked up and nodded. “Call me if you have any-”

“Trouble, yeah I know. Bye Sammy,” Dean cut him off and smiled. Sam and his worries.

He took his keys and walked to the garage. As soon as he saw his Baby, he almost felt his heart ache. “Oh, how I missed you,” he murmured while caressing the hood. “I’m sorry, Baby. I have been really busy.”

Once he started the engine, he sighed with relief and drove his Baby out of the garage. On the highway, he turned up the music and turned down the window, enjoying his ride. He blared some good old AC/DC, and switched to Metallica later. He had thought of buying some new tapes, but he didn’t have the time for it. He promised his Baby he would get some new, and sang along with what was playing.

When he returned back to the bunker a few hours later, he felt a lot better. He had gotten a new Led Zeppelin tape, and on the way back he had brought more beer.

However, his happiness was over once he stepped back into the bunker. Charlie and Sam were sitting in the library, with worried looks on their faces.

“Dean!” Sam said, as soon as he saw Dean. “Dean, can you help us?”

“Why? What happened? Why didn’t you call me?” Dean asked.

“It’s not really something to worry about. It’s just… I really need to talk to Cas and he won’t listen to my prayers, so I thought maybe he listens to you?”

“Well, I don’t know, he could be busy but I’ll try for you,” Dean said. “I pray to Castiel; if you’re not too busy, please get your feathery ass-”

“Hello, Dean.”

“Oh. _Oh.”_

“Hello, Sam. I am sorry I didn’t reply to you earlier.” Cas gave no explanation.

“Well, you’re here now, and I need to talk to you,” Sam said.

Dean shrugged and walked away.

“Sam…” Cas started as soon as Dean was away.

“You’re gonna tell me what the hell you did to Dean,” Sam put on a 15/10 bitchface.

“It does no harm, it’s the best for him,” Cas tried to explain, but it didn’t work.

Sam pulled a 50/10 bitchface, and started talking again. “A few weeks ago, you suddenly disappeared. Dean went without you for _weeks._ He did what he did, but he wasn’t happy. He _missed_ you. Four days ago, we get you back. You won’t talk to Dean, and Dean does not eat, drink or sleep for _four days._

This morning, he walked into the kitchen with food. He _ate._ He has slept longer than _thirty-six hours._ He _talks._

_What. Did. You. Do.”_

Cas looked to the floor.

_“Cas.”_

“I deleted a part of his memories,” Cas finally whispered.

Sam didn’t say anything for approximately 3 minutes. “You _what?!?”_ he finally managed to spit out.

“Dean wouldn’t have been so depressed if all of _us_ never happened,” Cas explained. He was still looking at the floor. “It’s better for him, and for you two. He is back to normal, he eats, he sleeps, and he doesn’t have any worries about me.”

This time, it was Charlie who spoke. “But how can you do that to yourself? You _love_ Dean!”

“I don’t...” he paused. “It’s better for you all.”

“Cas, you can’t do this,” Sam tried, but Cas was done.

“I am an angel now, I am back on the angel radio, and I have things to do. I can’t and I won’t change it. If you want to keep Dean safe, you better not tell him anything, it’s your choice,” and with that, Cas disappeared to the sound of flapping wings.

When Cas left, Sam and Charlie stood still for another whole minute.

“Did he just... _sacrifice_ himself?” Charlie finally asked.

“Seems so,” Sam replied. _“Always happy to bleed for the Winchesters,_ he once said. I never knew how much he’d be willing to do for us, but now…”

He didn’t even have to end his sentence. Cas had done so much for them ever since they first met. He had died, he had stood up against heaven, and he just gave up is _love_ for the sake of Dean.

He told Charlie to not say anything and just act normal. They didn’t want Dean to fall back now that he finally seemed well.

It was a few hours later, when Sam was sitting alone in the library when he suddenly thought of something. Why had Cas done that? Why couldn’t he just return to Dean? They had been so happy; Sam hadn’t seen anyone that happy before.

Right before he went to bed, he promised himself he would find out what the hell Metatron had done to Cas, and he’d get them back together. They needed each other, and soon, something would go wrong. Sam felt it in his veins; soon, Dean would notice something.

He thought of what Dean had said to him a few years ago. He wanted Sam to be _happy._ And now, Sam wanted _Dean_ to be happy. Dean deserved it after all this crap that had been happening. Dean deserved someone to lean into, to hug, to talk to, to protect him.

Dean needed someone to _love._


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry it took so long oh my god. I'm just.. I don't even know what was keeping me away tbh. Last weekend was so busy and then I got sick and then I finally was able to write again and I lOst mY sToryliNe and I flipped tables and panicked on Twitter and then I finally found it (bleSs) so hERE YOU GO (finally) ILY ALL THANKS FOR WAITING (it's not like you had a choice but still haha oops)

Three days later, Sam found him and Dean a job. They were packing their bags as Charlie walked into Dean’s room.

“Dean?”

“Hey kiddo, what’s up?”

“You are sure the bunker is safe, right?”

Dean smiled reassuringly. “I’m a 100% sure. Kevin is now in heaven and there’s nothing else that could possibly be here. Why that so?”

“I don’t know,” Charlie sighed. “It’s just… you two are always here, and I’m really glad you found a job, but it’ll be so silent and I don’t know what to do when you’re gone.”

Dean thought for a moment, and a second later, Cas appeared next to him. “Hello, Dean.”  
“Hiya Cas, do you maybe have the time to stay with Charlie when we’re gone?”

Cas nodded. “Of course I will. I understand it can be cold and lonely in here.”

Dean smiled once more and then stood still. “Something’s missing…” he mumbled. He shook his head, and walked to his Baby. “See you in a few days, bye guys!” he yelled before getting in.

When they were on the highway, Sam turned to Dean. “What was that about?”

“What?”

“You said something was missing? How do you mean, _something is missing?”_ Sam asked. Maybe, Dean would get back his memory sooner than Cas had hoped.

“I don’t know, Sammy. I had the feeling something was missing, but I couldn’t point out _what._ Must be some random déjà vu. Don’t worry, I’m all fine,” Dean said.

Sam decided to say nothing, and they drove on in silence until Dean put on the new tape he had bought.

“ _Really?_ The still sell those things?”

Dean grinned. “Oh yes. No single reason for you to put in some modern technology crap in my Baby.”

Sam just shrugged and decided to stay silent in case his mouth was his mind ahead and he accidentally said something about Dean and Cas.

 

While Sam and Dean were on their hunt, Charlie and Cas were in the bunker. Even tho Charlie didn’t like what Cas had done to Dean, Cas had been part of her family for a while now. They talked about how Cas would talk to Kevin when he was human.

They had a good time, together. For an angel of the Lord, Cas had become a very talkative person.

On the end of the second day, Dean had texted Charlie, telling they were done, but needed to catch up on sleep before they were able to drive home. Charlie texted him back saying he was getting old, with a winky face, which Cas didn’t understand.

“It’s an expression, I didn’t mean it literally,” she explained and Cas nodded.

“How old are _you_ actually? I’ve always wondered,” she admitted.

“I have lost count in the billions, but I am almost as old as the earth,” Cas said. He liked Charlie; not many people had actually been trying to converse with him as if he was just another human.

Other angels would find it offending, to be treated as ‘just another human being’, but Cas loved it. It made him think of when angels weren’t feared creatures, when they could just have conversations with other people.

It also reminded him of the time when he had been human. The beginning was bad, but as soon as Sam and Dean found him, he actually enjoyed the human life. He liked the taste of food, the feeling after a good night’s rest, and the feeling of… Dean. Adoring someone.

He still had feelings for Dean, he was sure of it. He still had the same feelings as when he wasn’t an angel, which was weird. He had hoped the feelings would go away, but maybe this was Chuck’s doing.

Cas snapped out of his trance by Charlie who asked him for help with the pie she was baking. “We’re out of cinnamon and I-” before she was even done talking, Cas had disappeared and reappeared a millisecond later with cinnamon.

“here you go,” he smiled.

“Thank you, Cas! I’m so glad you’re an angel again, I mean, I’m not taking advantage of your powers, otherwise I’d just have asked you to go with me to the store and buy some, but now…”

“It’s okay,” Cas interrupted her rambling. “You don’t have to apologize. I’m glad I have my powers back, too.”

“So…” Charlie said, continuing to make the pie. “Why did you do it?”

“You asked for it and I-”

“No, not the cinnamon. Dean.” Charlie wanted to know. She hadn’t understood anything of it. Cas had been brought back by Chuck, who apparently was God, he was an angel again, Dean had missed him so badly, and the first thing he did was clearing a part of Dean’s memories?

“Oh, Dean.”

“Yes. _Dean.”_

Cas sighed. “It’s difficult to explain… But I can try,” he added as soon as he saw Charlie’s face. He might be an angel, but angry women still scared him.

“Dean cant know about… us. He will try to protect me and I need to prove myself. I need to use my grace to help them whenever I can, and to do so, Dean should think of me as just his friend.”

Charlie didn’t fully understand, but she decided to not ask further. She didn’t want to make him uncomfortable or mad, because he was the only one she could talk to.

As she put the pie in the oven, Cas knew almost everything about her, except one thing. She thought she’d tell it later, when Sam and Dean were also back. She still couldn’t believe Chuck was God, but if he knew what she did…  

After Cas made her promise she wouldn’t tell any of this to Dean, she took a shower and thought about all what was happening. She really hoped Dean would somehow get his memories of Cas back, they fitted together so well.

Even though Dean always tried to be as happy as possible when Charlie was around, she knew exactly when he was happy or not. Dean once said Charlie was like the little sister he never wanted, but now, she, Sam and Dean were basically siblings already.

She didn’t mind though, she never had any siblings and she wouldn’t want anyone other than Sam or Dean. Because of their past, they were able to read someone really well, and they knew when either of them or Charlie needed some space, or just a hug.

They didn’t say Charlie could stay in the bunker. She had her own room now, and she didn’t really want to go, but it depended on what Sam and Dean wanted. It was their bunker, maybe they didn’t want her around all the time.

When she was done, she heard Cas knock on the door.

“Charlie? I think the pie is done, should I get it out of the oven?”

She smiled. The fact that Cas asked her first instead of doing it already showed that he still had his human manners.

“Yes please, there’s a plate on the counter, you can put it there so it can cool down,” she called back.

When she got back into the kitchen, the pie was on the plate and there was a note from Cas.

 

_I am away for a short while, but I will be back soon. I am sorry to leave you alone._

_You also got a new text; I think Sam and Dean are on their way back._

-          _Cas_

She smiled and picked up her phone. It was indeed a text from Dean saying they would be back in a few hours. She texted back that it was okay and that she had a small surprise for when they got back.   


During the ride back, Dean let Sam drive while he tried to make up his mind. He had barely slept for the few hours they had.

When their job had been done, they went back to the motel room they hired. Sam fell asleep as soon as his head touched the pillow, but Dean lay awake. Again, he had the feeling something was missing and he didn’t know what. He had tried to sleep, but he simply couldn’t.

He had even thought about calling out to Cas, but then he decided against it. He didn’t want Charlie to e alone just because Dean couldn’t sleep.

Sam and been beyond surprised when Dean told him he could drive.

“Are you feeling ill?”

“No, just couldn’t sleep, I can’t drive right now,” Dean replied. “Hurt her and-”

“You’ll hunt me down, yeah I know it,” Sam said, laughing. “Trouble sleeping? Why?”

“I don’t know, I just still have the feeling something is missing… something important. It won’t leave my mind.”

That silenced Sam, and he just stared to the road in front of them.

“You don’t happen to know anything I don’t, do you?” Dean asked. He knew he sounded too suspicious, but he was tired and tiredness and no sleep didn’t go well together, that was common sense.

Sam shook his head. “No, I was just thinking, but I don’t know. Get some rest, I’ll tell you when we’re back.”

Dean nodded and closed his eyes. He didn’t sleep, but he wasn’t exactly awake either. Now that they had been in the bunker for so long, he almost forgot what it was to sleep in the Impala and he realized it was pretty crappy. However, the familiar smell of leather and the sound of the engine calmed him down, and with that, hid mind gave him some rest too.

When they arrived at the bunker, Dean opened the door and the first thing he noticed was the familiar smell. As soon as he saw the pie on the counted his face lit up in a smile.

“Yea, I was kinda bored and I thought, why not make something for when you two get back?” Charlie said from behind him.

Dean turned around and wrapped her up in his arms. “Thank you,” he whispered, suddenly emotional. Charlie just hugged back and squeezed his shoulder.

30 minutes later, both Sam and Dean had taken a shower and they were sitting around the table. Charlie was just cutting the pie when Cas poofed back in.

“Hello Dean, Sam,” he said.

“Hey, Cas. How was your time with Charlie?” Dean asked.

“It was very pleasant, she is a lot more talkative than you,” was his answer, at which they all laughed.

“Do you want some too?” Charlie asked, gesturing to the pie. When Cas nodded she cut off another part, and brought it all to the table.

“This is very nice pie, Charlie. Good job,” Dean complimented as he tried not to moan at the first bite.

“So… there’s actually something I wanted to tell you…” Charlie said when they all ate a few bites. She had been procrastinating this for too long and needed to get it off her chest.

Cas instantly looked worried and Charlie almost invisibly shook her head. Dean noticed it but decided to ignore it. They wouldn’t tell it anyways of he asked.

“I have been wanting to tell you for a while, but so many things happened and I just didn’t have the time for it, and I thought now that we’re all together…”

“It’s okay, Charlie,” Sam reassured her.

“Okay, well… When I left here, I went to Oz, and it was all nice, me and Dorothy had an awesome time and it really was an adventure. But then, something happened. I don’t know what it was, but one morning I just woke up alone. I waited for 2 hours, but she didn’t come back.

I started walking, I walked so far, I walked alone for _days._ And then Dorothy came back, and she was… different. She acted like she wasn’t herself. One second she was so nice, and the other second she could be so… bitchy. I can’t explain it otherwise. She could just ignore me, or say mean things.

Later, she explained it. She did something wrong, and now there were two sides of her. One bad, dark side, and one good and bright side, usually, both sides are together, but they were split and she couldn’t help it. We travelled a long time to visit the Wizard of Oz, maybe he could help, but during our travelling it got worse and worse.

When we finally arrived at the Wizard’s place, the sides changed so fast, I couldn’t keep up with it any more. She had so much trouble sleeping; speaking… everything was so difficult. The Wizard… he said I had two choices. Leave her behind, or get her peace…”

It was silent for a moment. Charlie swallowed a few times before she went on with her story.

“Dorothy fought so hard, and for a minute she won it from her bad side. She told me I was amazing and that I had to find the adventure in everything. She told me I could do more than I thought, and she thanked me for the adventure we had together.

I thought I couldn’t do it. I thought I’d be too weak. But I did it. I saved her from her pain.”

None of them said anything for a solid five minutes. They didn’t move either, until a single tear slipped over Charlie’s cheek, and Dean immediately stood up and wrapped her in a hug. That’s when she started sobbing, so loud; he just walked her to the couch and sat down.

Cas immediately stood next to them, and awkwardly patted her shoulder. He wasn’t really sure what to do, but apparently it helped because Charlie smiled through her tears. She sat somewhat straighter and wiped her tears.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

Dean smiled; she had needed this, like he needed the apple pie when they came back earlier. It wasn’t really about the fact that it was pie; it was the fact that this was the first time someone had done something like that since their mother died. It was an act of kindness he appreciated so much.

When Charlie was sure she was doing alright, she freed herself from Dean, and stood up to wash her face. She was almost out of the room when she suddenly turned around, and walked back to give Cas a hug.

Cas was surprised, but it felt really pleasant. He awkwardly wrapped his arms around her and patted her back. He hadn’t hugged many people; in fact, she was the only one besides Dean. When she let go and walked away, she left Cas with one of the biggest smiles on his face they had ever seen.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> loOk haPpinEss (ok and sadness I admit, but forgive me this fic is becoming nothing but sadness jfc where am I even going with this fic)  
> Also, this (about 2.4k words) was actually 3/4 of this chapter but I decided to put the other part in another chapter so hopeFulLy it will be updated sooner.   
> So yea I hoped you liked it :)


	23. Chapter 23

Since none of them was actually hungry after the delicious pie, Dean decided to go to bed, hopeful to catch up on some sleep. Charlie and Sam sat down with coffee, and  Cas  muttered something about angel business, thanked Charlie for their time together and left. 

“I have the feeling there’s more you wanna tell me,” Sam said after a few minutes of silence, to which Charlie nodded.

“Yea, it’s about Cas… and Dean ” she said. “Cas told me something when you were away, but I think I’m missing out on something.  Something that  you  might know.”

“Well,” Sam replied. “I think you should start.”

Charlie nodded again. “So,” she started. “He told me he couldn’t give Dean back his memory because he needed to prove himself. He said Dean would only try to protect him more if he knew their past, and how Dean needed to see  Cas  as ‘just a friend’. I have absolutely no idea why but I didn’t ask further.”

“Ah, I see,” Sam said. “Well, there’s actually this part of the story you miss, which happened in Heaven. While Dean and I were fighting Metatron, we heard  Cas . He was talking to himself, but it wasn’t  him  talking, you see? 

It was his voice, but it sounded like someone had imprinted it in  Cas ’ mind and Cas was constantly repeating it. I think it was Metatron’s way to torture him. 

It sounded horrible, what  Cas  was saying. I can’t get it out of my mind, but I also don’t want to ask him to remove it. I think this is just something I need to remember, it gives me the strength to go on.” Sam swallowed. 

“What he was saying…

‘I am worth nothing without my Grace.

All what’s happening right now is my fault.

I am a failure and I deserve to be punished.’”   He quoted. “That’s all we got to hear, but it was enough.”

“So if I get this right… Metatron has been telling Cas that he’s a worthless creature without his  Grace,  and that he needs to be punished…”

“… Which he does by not having himself let Dean love him,” Sam added. “And that’s why he has cleared Dean’s memory. He wants to punish himself  without hurting Dean.  Even when something like that has crept into his mind, he won’t hurt his family.” 

“Well, I can say many things, but that Metatron just seems like an asshole. I hope the other angels are more like  Cas ,” Charlie said. She was suddenly glad she didn’t go with Sam and Dean to heaven. 

“Some are, most of them aren’t, sadly. Gabriel is a really nice guy, though. You should meet him sometimes, but I don’t know if he’s busy. The other angels are really just ‘dicks’, as Dean always described them.”

It was silent for another minute. 

“How is heaven?” Charlie finally asked. She had wanted to know what it was like since forever. “I have actually no idea how all those places look, I’ve never been to any.” 

“Be glad,” Sam sighed. “It’s weird, actually.  Me  and Dean both have been to hell, to purgatory, and now also to heaven. But heaven is… white.  And bright.  It’s what you would expect from heaven, but it’s also not what you would expect from heaven. 

We only have seen the part with the cells though, so I can’t say much. It was very empty; there was nothing but bright white  light and cells.  Nothing else.  Although,  Dean and I have been in heaven before, but that was in fact our own memories.” 

“I don’t think I want to go to heaven unless I die. Do you think I’d go to heaven when I die?” 

Sam smiled. “I’m sure you’ll go to heaven, you haven’t done anything to deserve a place in hell, and purgatory is only for the monsters. However, I think Crowley would like you, but let’s just hope you meet him in other circumstances than the usual.”

“Well, I have helped you  Winchesters, maybe that  could arrange me a special meeting with Crowley?” Charlie joked, which led to Sam laughing so hard he almost fell off the couch.  

“That’s the best thing I’ve heard in a while, my god. Or should I say my Chuck?” he added, at which they both laughed. 

While Sam and Charlie were talking, Dean lay in his bed, not able to sleep again. After two hours of turning and tossing, he decided to call out to  Cas . 

“Hey  Cas , I don’t know if you’re busy or not, but I need a little favor. Can you please have your feathery ass down to earth?” 

He immediately heard  the  swoosh of wings and the following “hello, Dean”. 

“Hiya  Cas , sorry for bothering you, but I haven’t been able to sleep for 2 days already, and its slightly killing me. I don’t know if you could do anything?” Dean said, looking guilty.

Dean climbing next to  Cas into his bed, wrapping his arms around Cas’  waist, whispering a small ‘goodnight’ before falling asleep

“Yea, I think I can do something for you,”  Cas  replied, ignoring the memory that showed up.

Dean rolling over when  Cas  climbed into bed. “I waited for you,” he said. “I couldn’t sleep.”

 “Just… get ready.”  Cas  turned around.

Dean putting on a new shirt, but not before  Cas  has admired his chest, stroked all of his scars, whishing he could heal them.

He heard Dean change. “I’m ready,” Dean said.

‘I’m ready,’ Dean said, looking at  Cas  who was still stumbling with the razor blade. He took the razor blade out of  Cas ’ hand an d shaved the other side of Cas’ face

Cas  turned around to see Dean lying, looking up at him, expectant but also a little embarrassed. He could feel Dean’s longing mind.

Dean laying in bed, holding out his arms for Cas, so  Cas  can snuggle next to him

Cas  stretched out his fingers to Dean’s forehead. “I’m gonna put you to sleep, you’ll probably sleep for 10 hours, if that’s alright with you.” The longing became stronger with every second.

Cas waking up in the morning, seeing Dean wake up, stretch and reach out to him. To  Cas .

Dean nodded and when  Cas  put his fingers on Dean’s forehead, Dean’s eyes closed. The longing didn’t stop.

Dean not being able to sleep,  Cas  silently touching Dean’s forehead. “I wish I could help you,” he said. “You being here is enough,” Dean said back, and kissed him.

Cas  looked at Dean sleeping, adjusted the covers and then turned away. He walked out of the room and closed the door. 

He could easily fly, but he decided to walk though the bunker. It was all silent; Sam and Charlie had probably gone to bed too.  he  sat on the couch and stared at the empty coffee mugs they had left on the table.

The longing hadn’t stopped.

This went on for a few weeks. Dean not being able to sleep, and  Cas  fixing it for him. 

The longing never stopped.

Neither did the memories.

Sam and Dean went on hunts, sometimes they took  Cas  with them, but most of the times, Cas stayed behind with Charlie. They became very good friends, and Charlie even got him so far that he would let her polish his nails. 

When Dean and Sam came back, Dean only huffed and murmured something about “that doesn’t even look too bad,” to which Charlie immediately asked if she could polish Dean’s nails too.

“Sorry kiddo, but that  ain’t  happening.  Never.” Only to wake up the next day with nails in the colors red, pink, blue, green and orange.  He tried the puppy eyes for  Cas , but they almost worked, until Charlie snapped them out of their trance by yelling “no”. 

The nail polish was on Deans nails for a whole day; until he had found out he could scratch it off. He spent 2 hours scratching his nails while glaring at Sam,  Cas  and Charlie. 

Those were the good days, the days were they were able to be happy and not think about what was happening.

On bad days, Dean was silent, tired and moody. He still couldn’t sleep well without  Cas ’ help, and the feeling of missing something became stronger with every day passing. On those days, Dean felt sorry for the people around him. 

They all tried to help Dean as much as they could, but sadly, they couldn’t do much. As long as Dean didn’t know what was missing, no one could help him, not even himself. However, he was so thankful for  Cas . When he couldn’t sleep, he would call  Cas , and Cas always helped him.

Cas  had always been there for him. 

When they first met, Dean had thought of him as a dick. All angels were dicks, Dean was sure of it. But when  Cas  actually started to help on hunts, and saved both Dean and Sam’s lives more than once, Dean had realized how good of a friend Cas was. 

Because  Cas  had a choice. He was an angel, and heaven did not tell him to help the Winchesters. And yet,  Cas  was always there when Dean needed him. Not only did he save Dean’s life, he made Dean happy. It wasn’t the same as with Sam. Of course, Sam made him happy too, but it wasn’t the same. 

Cas  made him laugh by just being  Cas.  By being an angel of the Lord who could smite everything, but who was scared shitless when a woman came up to him.  Cas , who needed help on human manners. 

And even when  Cas  had been human, he was there for Dean.  Cas  himself thought otherwise, but in the time when Charlie wasn’t around, Cas had brought a lot of peace in Dean’s life . He made Dean actually get out of bed and make breakfast. He needed to learn more about humanity than he had ever needed to know, and Dean was the one to help him with that. 

Their trip to the grocery store, to the mall, everything, and it was all so… human. During that time, it was almost as if he wasn’t a hunter, as if he hadn’t been to hell and purgatory, as if everything just didn’t exist and he and Cas were just normal humans like everyone else. 

It was almost,  almost,  as if Dean felt something more for  Cas . But he didn’t. 

He couldn’t. 

“Cas,” Sam said. 

Cas  looked up. It was 2am and he and Sam were sitting in the library. “What’s it?” he asked.

“This needs to stop.” 

Cas  didn’t reply. He knew exactly what Sam was talking about.  Dean needed his  memories,  he needed to know what had happened between him and Cas. He deserved it. 

“I can’t,”  Cas  whispered. “I’m sorry, Sam, but I can’t.”

This was one of the times Sam was happy  Cas  had been human. Now,  Cas  understood emotions and he was able to express himself without having to explain what exactly he meant every time. But Sam was still a human. And Sam always had emotions. 

And now, Sam was angry. 

“Then tell me  why!  Tell me why you can’t do  it;  tell me  what  is holding you back! I want to help,  Cas , but I can’t do it of you don’t tell anything. Dean is  my brother.  And right now, he has problems, because he misses his memories. And I  can’t help him.

I know you’re having a hard time too, but this is killing me  too.  In all those years, I’ve never been able to do so little for  him,  and it  sucks.  I want my brother back,  Cas . And I’m sure you want Dean back too.” 

Cas  was silent. Suddenly he lifted up his head a little as if he listened to something. When he disappeared, Sam assumed someone had prayed for him. When  Cas  appeared back 10 minutes later he only looked more miserable.

“Dean’s longing is  reaching further and further.  I feel it all day,” he announced. 

Sam’s jaw reached the floor. “ You  have been putting him to sleep? You rather  use your grace  to get him to sleep than actually  being there for him?!” 

Cas  only nodded, looking at the floor. He knew it had been wrong not telling it to Sam, but Dean hadn’t told him either. He didn’t wanna make Dean angry by telling Sam. 

“He asked me to help him. He wanted this, Sam,” he replied.

“If he knew there was another way, he wouldn’t want it. I just don’t understand it, you two were  so happy  together,  I  haven’t seen Dean that happy in  years.  Why wouldn’t you want that back?” Sam hesitated before finally asking “Is it because of what Metatron did to you?” 

Cas  looked at him. “Charlie told you, didn’t she?” he only asked, to which Sam nodded. “Yes. It is because of what he has done. He imprinted things in my brain and I can’t… I can’t ignore them.  Even if I wanted to, I can’t.”

“Isn’t there a way to forget about them?” Sam asked. 

“Don’t you understand? I  need  to remember them. Metatron made me remind myself all I have done wrong. I have  rebelled against heaven,  Sam. I can’t just forget that, and neither can the other angels. Now that I’m an angel again, I need to do what’s right. I need to serve the Lord.”

“And Chuck can’t forgive you for what you did? He has seen all that you and Dean have done for each other, he knows both of you,” Sam said, but  Cas  shook his head. 

“Chuck is his human form, with a human brain. When he takes the form of God, everything changes. He once said he really wanted to forgive me, but he  can’t.  God is so powerful, and his mi nd is set on doing things right, which means I have to finish a lot of tasks before he will reset my mind,”  Cas  explained.

“I’m sorry, Sam, I really am,” and with that,  Cas  disappeared, leaving Sam in the library. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end of this fic is in sight and I am really gonna miss it when it's over :(((


	24. Chapter 24

 

  
Dean was getting worse. He could almost _ feel  _ his mind stretching out to someone he didn’t know. He kept on hunting to distract himself, but they didn’t go well without sleep.    


“This is almost as bad as when he still had his memory,” Charlie said to Sam one day. 

They had tried talking to  Cas , but Cas kept saying he couldn’t  help Dean.  Cas  didn’t come by as often as he used to too. He said he wasn’t avoiding Sam and Charlie, but they thought otherwise. The good thing about all of what was happening was that Sam and Charlie spoke a lot. 

They didn’t always talk about the bad things. Sometimes Charlie would tell about the happy time she had in Oz. other times, Sam would tell the good things from his childhood. They became the friends they never had and never realized they needed. 

They didn’t ask  Cas  about Dean any more. Whenever  Cas  popped by, they had the usual conversations, sometimes Cas and Sam would go hunting and Charlie would stay with Dean. 

Cas  felt like he betrayed the brothers and Charlie, but he had no other choice. He had noticed the questions had stopped and offered to hunt with Sam when Dean couldn’t. Sam happily took the offer. He wasn’t angry any more, he knew when angels had something in mind, it didn’t change that easily. 

And besides,  Cas  was a good hunting partner. He didn’t show himself off, he was just there when needed and let Sam do the usual work. Sometimes, when they had a long day, Sam would crash on a motel bed and the next morning, there was fresh breakfast. 

Sometimes he felt like he didn’t deserve all this, just because they had an angel as best friend, but  Cas  always assured him he was happy to help Sam. After all those years, they deserved to be treated some better, he said. 

Dean was not happy when he heard  Cas  went hunting instead of Dean. He  was moody the first time they were away, but after Charlie asked him to teach her how to cook, he had been somewhat happier and they had a good time. When Sam and  Cas  came back safe and well, he started to accept that as long as he couldn’t sleep well, he shouldn’t be hunting and after all, Cas was the one who could keep Sam the most safe of all. 

With Dean, Charlie talked about so many different things than Sam. Of course, they were two different persons, but still. What she also didn’t expect was Dean’s soft side. She knew he did have his feelings, but what he told her was anything but what she expected. He told her what he remembered about their mom, about the good times with their dad, the happy times. The times he had felt they were a  real  family. 

He also told her about the time when Sam was gone, after Lucifer had possessed him and threw him in the cage. How he had build a life with Lisa and Ben. Before he went on he swallowed, and then told her about the accident that happened and his decision to get them to safety. 

“I told Sam that if he ever said a word about them, I would break his nose,” he huffed  out  a laugh.  “I don’t even know why I’m bothering you with this all.” 

“It’s okay, I don’t mind listening to you,” Charlie replied. It became a routine, cooking together almost every evening. One day, Dean was in his room, and Charlie decided to cook without his help. When he stumbled into the kitchen two hours later, he found an almost-done dinner and his smile was so proud, Charlie would always remember it. 

While Dean and Charlie spent their time together and Sam was hunting small cases,  Cas  was often to be found in heaven. Besides doing his tasks as an angel of the Lord, he needed to sort out his thoughts.  Where two years ago, he went to the heaven of the autistic man, it was now Dean’s heaven that calmed him down the most.

Dean’s heaven was simple; he had been there before, seeing Dean  rake  leaves. Dean’s heaven was full of things like that… things normal people do. He watched Dean  rake  leaves, he watched Dean read a book that had for once nothing to do with any kind of creature they’d hunt. 

He thought about what it would be like to heal Dean and never let Dean have those memories again. Once he imagined, he felt a sharp pain, as if he had been knifed, and he knew he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t do this to Sam and Charlie, and neither could he do this to Dean. 

_ Dear Father in the Heavens,  _ he prayed . 

_ I can’t do this, Father. I can’t do this to Dean, he does not deserve it. He needs his memory, or else it will eat him up. But I’m scared, what will he do when he finds out I have been deleting them?  _

_ If he is mad at me, I will accept my punishment, and I will not fight. I will do what Dean asks. I am still an angel, Father. I will complete my tasks of today and then I will go to Dean and I will try to explain it to him. I hope he will understand.  _

_ I pray to you, to let you know. I will tell Dean today, and I am sorry if I disappoint you with it, but I need to do this. I can’t help it, Father.  _

It was evening when  Cas  popped back in the bunker. 

“I’m gonna do it,” he announced.

“Wait, what? You’re gonna do what?” Sam asked, still a bit startled from  Cas ’ sudden appearance. 

“I’m gonna tell Dean.  Tonight.”

“Tonight?  Good luck,” Charlie told him. He  squinted  his eyes and tilted his head.  _Yes, exactly like an adorable puppy,_   she thought before explaining. 

“He’s been quite moody today, which means he will want to sleep tonight and then an angel of the Lord which is also his best friend comes and tells him of memoires he has deleted and how he’s lied to him for weeks. I’m sure that will improve his mood.”

Cas  sighed. “I will have to tell him either today or another day, the sooner the better, I think.” 

No matter what  Cas  had done, Sam still had respect for him. Even though  Cas  knew how angry Dean could get, he still choose to do it so soon. “Why the sudden change?” he asked, curious.

“Well, to calm down, I visit other people’s  heavens, and lately, I’ve been a lot to Dean’s. Today, I imagined how it would be to live on like this, and I got literal pain, which almost never happens to an angel.

 I realized I can’t do this anymore, not to Dean, and not to you two. I could delete his memories for forever, and if you wanted to, yours too, but sooner or later, it will come back,” he paused. “His love for me is strong, which is also the reason why he has been these feelings lately. His soul and mind miss someone; me; and I can’t undo that. I could delete his memories all I want, but I am not able to delete the memory of  _me_.  It’s our profound bond doing that.” 

“Wow,” Charlie said when he was done. And that was all she could say, because right after, Dean walked into the room.

“Hey,  Cas , haven’t seen you in a while. What’s up?” 

“The sky,”  Cas  answered, which caused Dean to burst out into laughter as if he hadn’t heard a joke that good in years. “Oh, you meant it in the other way, I thought…”  Cas  realized, which caused more laughter, this time from Sam and Charlie too. 

“It’s okay, I’m glad to see you again,” Dean said, and patted  Cas  on his shoulder before walking off to the kitchen. 

“Me too,”  Cas  murmured, but Dean was gone already. “I have to do a few more things, but I’ll be back tonight,” he added, and right before he flew away, he heard Charlie whisper a “good luck” to him. He smiled; Charlie was such a kind soul. He was happy she was with them.

When  Cas  was done, he returned to the bunker. He flew until Dean’s door and politely knocked to announce himself. “Come in,” Dean answered, and  Cas  opened the door.

“Hello, Dean,”  Cas  said. “I have come to tell you something.”

Dean stopped with what he was doing. “Sure.” 

Cas  swallowed and started. “It has been a while since you and Sam freed me from heaven, I have lost count of the weeks. You know Metatron was torturing me, and once you torture an angel in the way he did, they won’t forget until God makes them forget it.” 

Dean nodded, as a sign he understood what  Cas  was talking about.

“What Metatron did to me, caused me to do something. Something I know you will not like to hear.”

Well,” Dean said. “It can’t be that bad.”

Cas  took a deep breath. “I deleted a part of your memories.”

At first there was a silence. 

“You  _what_?”

“I said I-”

“I know what you said,  Cas . I’m just… surprised. I never thought _you_   would do something l ike that without my permission.”

“Dean, I know you are disappointed in me, but-”

“Oh you bet I am!” Dean interrupted him. “Sam and Charlie knew, didn’t they? They knew  _ all this freaking time _ , right?” 

Cas  only nodded. He would wait until Dean was done raging, and then explain.

“Is this… is  this the  reason I can’t sleep at night? Is this why I am missing someone I don’t even know?” Dean asked, suddenly starting to realize.  Cas  nodded again. “So, instead of  _giving me my memories_ ,  you decided to play all innocent and just _‘_ _ help me sleep’ _  every night?” 

“I couldn’t Dean. There are rules for those things, rules I didn’t make,”  Cas  was starting to get angry too. If Dean didn’t want to hear it, he would never understand how this all had been for Deans well-being. 

“I don’t  _care_ ,  Cas.  You did  it,  those rules are  _your_   problem, not mine.  Can you restore my memories right now?” 

“I  can,  but-”

“Then do it, right now,” Dean ordered. 

“You don’t understand it Dean, you need to know a few things before I can even do something, the rules…”

“I  DON’T FUCKING CARE  ABOUT THOSE RULES, CAS,” Dean was real angry now, and tired. “Can you just put me to sleep, please?” 

“Are you sure you don’t…”

“ Tomorrow .” Dean took off his shirt and got into his bed. He closed his eyes and just said “Please.”

Cas  sighed and put two fingers to Dean’s forehead. 

_ Kissing. _

_ He was kissing someone. _

_ He was kissing someone but he couldn’t see the face. _

_ He felt himself lose in the kiss, it was a nice kiss.  _

_ He wanted to feel the face, feel the person in his hands, but he couldn’t reach them. The only thing he felt were their lips on his own.  _

_ And their lips felt so familiar, yet he was sure he had never kissed them. _

Cas  stood there for another hour, watching Dean sleep restlessly. 

He knew what Dean was dreaming.

He wished Dean knew it was  Cas  he  was dreaming about. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOOO yea this was less sad than other chapters, I think? i don't even know hahaha. a while ago I was talking to a friend and we agreed that my fic lately either has sad chapters or sad sad sad chapters, where is this even going xD  
> Anyways, as far as I have planned it out now, chapter 26 is the last one. So, 2 more to go!


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big shit is happening oooOooOoOoOOOOoooOOoo ok I'm really sorry it has been a week since last chapter but my Microsoft Word decided to fucking shut down and yeah I couldn't really reach my chapters. Anyways here it is, I really hope you like it ^^

 

The next morning, Dean woke up with a twisted feeling in his stomach. He had been having weird dreams all night, and they were all the same. It was him, and someone else, doing everything a couple does. But he could never see who it was, if frustrated him. He got out of bed and showered quickly, feeling the need for a big breakfast.

As soon as he walked into the kitchen, he saw Sam sitting there. When he heard Dean coming he looked up with an expectant look on his face.

“Not yet,” Dean grumbled. “Why didn’t you tell me anything?” he asked when Sam’s face dropped.

“I couldn’t, it was the best for you,” Sam replied. “Why haven’t he told you yet?”

“Because I told him to piss off after I knew what happened. Look, I know I overreacted, but it’s a very common reaction when you hear your memories are _stolen,_ and you can’t get them back immediately because of some stupid rules. And now, if you don’t mind I’d like to enjoy my breakfast without having to talk about this.”

Sam nodded and went back to whatever he was reading on his laptop.

Dean got some eggs and bacon and started frying them. He was just about to get the cheese when Charlie walked in, with the same look on her face as Sam had. “Not you too, please,” Dean said.

“Alright… Your eggs are almost burning,” she just answered. “Can I have some too, please?”

He made another pair of eggs with bacon and cheese, and he could almost _feel_ the conversation Sam and Charlie had with only their eyes and face movements. “Can you stop, please? Both of you,” he said and put the eggs on two pieces of bread.

He and Charlie ate breakfast while Sam kept working on his laptop while he ate some healthy and probably crappy as hell. When they were done, Dean took the plates to wash them and suddenly he heard the familiar _swoosh_ of wings. He didn’t say anything.

“Hello, Dean, Sam, Charlie,” Cas said.

“Hey Cas,” they answered. Dean still didn’t say anything.

“Dean…”

“I’m still angry,” he replied. He heard Cas sigh but he kept silent.

 

After he was done washing the plates, he walked off to his room, expecting Cas to follow him. he closed his door, and turned around to face Cas. “Well, you can start,” he said.

Cas nodded. “Before I start, I want you to know that this will change a lot between… us.”

Dean raised his eyebrows, but gestured Cas to go on.

“I can’t erase the memories again after you have them back. You have seen what it does to you, and that’s not a good thing.”

Dean nodded.

“Okay, I was thinking I could just… show you them, but not all at once. Are you ready?”

“Yes,” Dean said. Suddenly, he felt uncomfortable, almost afraid for what they had been holding back. What if it was something terrible, what if it really was for his own good, what if…

“Are you sure?” Cas asked, noticing how Dean’s mood had twisted.

“Yes,” Dean said again, more stable this time. He wanted to know it. He _needed_ to.

“Close your eyes.”

Dean closed his eyes.

He thought he was ready, but as soon as Cas’ fingers lightly touched his forehead, he stopped breathing.

_‘Do what?’ Dean asked as he wondered how Cas could possibly read his eyes as a human. Is thoughts were interrupted by Cas who said ‘this,’ and gently pressed his lips to Dean’_

His eyes flew open. “Did we….”

Cas nodded. “Do you want to stop?” he asked, and Dean shook his head.

“No, I want to see. I need to see it,” he replied and he closed his eyes again.

_Dean’s hand touched Cas’ abs. He didn’t know angels could even have those, but he wasn’t complaining. They kissed, until Sam interrupted them_

Dean told himself to keep breathing. How had this even happened? Was Cas even showing him his real memories? He didn’t have really much time to think, because the next memory came in.

_‘Dean… do you have a moment?’ Cas asked as his hands slid around Dean’s waist._

_‘Depends,’ Dean answered. But as soon as Cas asked if he could kiss Dean again, he smiled and leaned in._

They all felt so true and real.

_Dean woke up to find Cas snuggled against him. He smiled and kissed the top of Cas’ head._

Did they… _sleep together?_

“No,” Cas said, scaring Dean. He had totally forgotten Cas was there too. “We haven’t really done anything so far, we never had the time,” he explained.

Dean nodded and closed his eyes again, gesturing for Cas to go on. He needed to know the whole story now.

_Cas always admired Dean’s full body, including the scars and cuts he had collected over the years. He’d kiss every scar, every wound, everything got a light kiss. Dean thought it was because Cas couldn’t heal them._

“That, and because I wanted you to know that you’re still beautiful, even with so many scars,” Cas admitted before he sent the next memory in.

_Sam knew Dean and Cas had something for a while but he never said anything. Once Dean told him, he made sure Dean knew he’d always be supporting his big brother._

The memories came faster and faster.

_Gabriel gave Dean some of Cas’ grace. Dean always held it in his hand before he fell asleep. ‘I’ll find you. And I’ll save you. I promise,’ he whispered._

_Dean heard Cas’ voice while fighting Metatron in heaven. He’d recognize that voice everywhere. It made him strong enough to finally win from Metatron._

_Dean woke up and Cas wasn’t there. Cas wasn’t there for the next days, and further. Cas had denied Dean on almost everything Dean said. Cas didn’t want a hug._

_Dean felt more miserable every day. Cas was back and angel, and now he didn’t want to do anything with Dean anymore. Had Dean done something wrong? Sam and Charlie had to take care of Dean because Dean had just given up._

_Dean talked to Cas. Cas promised Dean the next morning when he would wake, everything would be better. Dean believed him and let Cas put him into a deep sleep._

The next memory wasn’t Dean’s. It was Cas’.

_Cas watched Dean sleep. ‘I’m so sorry, Dean’ he said. ‘This is the only thing I can do for you,’ and he pressed two fingers on Dean’s forehead. It was almost magical, seeing all the images go from Dean’s head to Cas’. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said again, and left._

Dean opened his eyes. It was dead silent.

“I don’t… I don’t understand. Why would you take these away from me?” he asked.

“Metatron,” Cas said. “He imprinted my mind; he made me believe I was worthless and that I needed to prove myself. I couldn’t have you worrying over me while I needed to prove myself. You were _so miserable;_ it was the only thing I could think of.

They weren’t meant to return. You shouldn’t have had those… feelings and things. But that’s just the profound bond, I could only remove the memories of myself in you… I am not able to remove _me._ Your soul and mind are connected to me, I’m sorry,” he said.

Now, Cas was the one looking miserable. He blamed himself for everything that happened.

“Cas….” Dean said.

Cas looked up, blue eyes as ever, full of sadness and regret.

“I’m not angry anymore. I understand why you did it,” he said. Cas opened his mouth to say something, but Dean interrupted him. “Just one thing…

_Never remove those memories ever again,”_ and with that, Dean took the final step and pressed his lips to Cas.

_It had been Cas in his dream last night_

He brought one hand to Cas’ cheek, caressing it softly, feeling the familiar feeling of Cas’ scruff against his hand.

_He had been with Cas for so long, without even knowing_

The other hand went around Cas’ neck and gently touched Cas’ neck hair, moving up until his hand was fully in Cas’ soft hair.

_It was Cas he had missed all this time_

Slowly, Cas seemed to realize it and brought his hands to Dean’s lower back, only lightly pressuring it.

_Cas, who woke up, only to roll over and snuggle next to Dean_

That’s when Dean lost it. He took Cas’ head in both his hands and kissed him harder, Cas finally giving in and pressing him and Dean together.

_All those times he couldn’t sleep, he had been missing Cas next to him_

He kissed Cas until he thought his lips were going to burst, and even then, he didn’t stop.

_Cas, who adored him. Cas, his best friend. Cas, who had saved him so many times_

When he finally pulled back, he immediately wrapped Cas in a hug. A single tear rolled out of his eye.

“Never,” he only said.

“Never,” Cas promised.

They stood like that for what felt like hours.

 

Sam and Charlie were in the library when they finally heard footsteps coming their way. They had talked about how Dean would react. Sam said Dean would be _so pissed,_ Charlie agreed, but she said he’d forgive Cas once he knew.

When Charlie was the first to see it and squealed. Sam noticed it too, and once he saw how happy both Cas and Dean looked, he hugged them. First Dean, then Cas.

“I am so happy,” he only said and Dean nodded. He now knew what Sam and Charlie had been going through while Cas had been away.

An hour later, they sat on the couch, catching up on all ‘cute things Cas and Dean had done together’, Charlie’s word choice, not Deans.

Their hands were still intertwined.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SNVCSKDLROFHMGNFCQRFHXNRQ FLUFF AF I ALMOST CRIED WHILE WRITING THIS CHAPTER I COULDN’T EVEN HAVE YOU ANY IDEA HOW NICE IT IS TO WRITE THIS AFTER ALL THAT SADNESS I’M TRASH  
> So yes, I went back to the first few chapters to write the memories Cas gave back to Dean. I spent some real time writing this chapter, see what I would do for you? I hope you liked it, some light in the darkness :D  
> :D


	26. Chapter 26

The first thing Dean did when he woke up for every day of the two following weeks was pinching himself. He needed to know if it really wasn’t a dream. After two weeks, Cas told him to stop doing it.

“Your arm gets all red and there are bruises,” he said.

It took Dean another week before he was sure it wasn’t a dream.

 

It was just an ordinary Monday evening and Sam, Dean, Cas and Charlie were sitting on the couch. Sam and Dean were just back from a hunt, and Cas and Charlie made peachy pie.

Suddenly, someone appeared in the room, making Charlie scream.

“Oh God, that was scary!” she said. As soon as she saw who it was, her cheeks turned pink. “OH I’m sorry, I mean, I didn’t want to offend you, I’m-”

“It’s fine,” Chuck assured her. He was wearing a white shirt instead of the bathrobe. He also looked a lot fresher than the last time they had seen him. “Hey guys, good to see you’re all doing well.”

“Good to see you too,” Dean replied. “But what are you here for? I mean… I don’t think God really does house visits.”

“Well, I do, actually, but you’re right. I’m here with a reason. Castiel?”

Cas nodded. “Hello, Father,” he said politely.

“Castiel, what you have done is again, going against heaven,” Chuck started. “Now I have given you some time to calm down and I have been thinking too. I am willing to give you an offer, for once and for all.”

Cas nodded again. “I’d like to hear it,” he replied.

“As for what you have done, I will have to take away your grace. Yet, for all you have done in the past, I am willing to let you have a tiny bit left, so you can heal the Winchesters when it’s needed. If you don’t accept, you will remain a full angel, which includes doing your tasks for heaven.”

It was dead silent.

“I will accept your offer,” Cas said.

“Cas! You can’t just… _do that_! You just have your grace back,” Dean exclaimed.

“Dean,” Cas replied. “I will always have a tiny bit left, and I will be able to grow old with you, but keep healing you. I want this, for you, for Sam and for Charlie too.”

“Yeah… about that, when do you want me gone? I mean, I have to look for an apartment, but-” Charlie started, but Dean interrupted her.

“You want to leave?” he sounded genuinely sad.

“No, but I thought you’d go back to hunting, and well, the bunker is yours, and you thought me how to cook…”

“Charlie, I really liked spending time with you, so I thought I’d teach you some things, I don’t want you gone! You do, Sammy?”

Sam shook his head. “Of course not! We said you’d always be welcome, it’d be an honor to have you here, if you can handle me and Dean’s moods.”

“Well, if that’s settled,” Chuck suddenly spoke. They all had kinda forgotten he was there too. “I’d like to hear your final answer, Castiel.”

“Yes,” Cas said. “I accept your offer.” He stood up and kneeled before Chuck.

“Alright, I’d advice you all to close your eyes and bring your heads to your knees. In order to do this, I need to be in my actual God’s shape, and seeing me will blind you immediately.”

As soon as Dean, Sam and Charlie had done what Chuck said, they felt a warmth coming from where Chuck and Cas were.

“It’s done,” Chuck then said. “You can open your eyes.” In his hand, he held a small bottle, bigger than the one Dena had before. In the bottle swirled Cas’ grace.

“You are now officially human, Castiel. Congratulations.”

“Thank you, Father,” Cas replied and went to sit back on the couch with Dean, who immediately took Cas’ hand in his.

“And Charlie… My new book will come out soon, it has Destiel in it, of course,” Chuck winked and disappeared.

“What’s _‘Destiel’_?” Cas asked, confused.

“Nothing to worry about, Cas. Fangirls are weird creatures, you can trust me on that,” Dean replied. “Now that all that is done… who wants a beer?”

When he came back with a few beers for him, Sam and Cas, Charlie walked also back in, with pie in her hands. “I had nothing to do this morning, so I thought I’d make another pie,” she said shyly. “Now that Cas is human again, I guess he will have his human taste back?”

As soon as they all had a part of the pie, Charlie said she wanted to say something before they started eating. “I just want to thank you for letting me live here. It really means a lot to me, and I will enjoy it very much. Cas, congratulations on your decision and I’m glad you made it.

And at last, I want to thank you all, for accepting me here, and being the best friends I ever had. I'm not really the one to get sentimental but for the past few months, you have cared for me as if I were your sister. I really appreciated it and I still do. I'll be enjoying my time here. To Destiel!"

"To Destiel!" they all replied and ate their first bite of pie.

"damn, Charlie, this is _really_ good pie," Dean said, trying to hide a moan.

Sam laughed. "I must say, this is one of your best so far, what did you put in it?"

"Secret ingredient," Charlie replied.

Cas didn’t say anything, but he didn’t have the time for it either. With every bite he took, he closed his eyes, and let the taste explore in his mouth. It was delicious.

 

Meanwhile, in heaven, Chuck and Gabriel were watching them with a smile on their faces.

"I'm not even surprised," Gabriel said. "He'd give up anything for that damn Winchester."

"But look at them," Chuck replied. "wouldn’t you either if he looked at you like that?" It was true, Dean was watching Cas with so much love, he almost had real hearts in his eyes. "You should come by some time, they miss you."

"Yeah, might do that soon, but I'll just let them be for a while. They've had enough problems lately."

 _I'm glad they're all together again,_ were Chuck's last thoughts. _This will last for a long time_

 

**FIN**

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Endnotes will be the next chapter because they’re quite long haha. You don’t have to read them if you don’t wanna, I just wanted to say a few things ^^
> 
> Also, feel free to check my Tumblr irontallica666 any time for more fics, drabbles and SPN posts :)


	27. Endnotes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry these are just some endnotes I wanted to say. you don't have to read if you don't wanna ^^

**So... That was it. I'm sad it ended but I'm also kinda glad idk.**

**I just want to thank you all for reading, voting and commenting. Special thanks to[@destiel13](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Destiel13/pseuds/Destiel13) for making my entire week with your comments, I hope you liked the ending (see, I'm not always evil!). **

**This fic has taken me 3 and a half months to write, a lot of small writer's block and a hella lot more of not-writing-and-staring-at-a-white-screen-hoping-something-would-come-out.  I have been really busy and my update schedule is completely messed up. But y'all still kept reading and that is just amazing, thank you so much <3**

**_Fun fact:_ I wrote the first chapter as a one shot, it was never meant to become more, but I wrote it and I suddenly thought of a second part of the one shot, and then something happened and I had a complete storyline. I'm not regretting anything.**

**_Another fun fact:_ the storyline was made for 22 chapters, but lately, my chapters have turned from the barely 3pages to-I-have-to-stop-after-6-pages. I am glad it turned out to be this.**

**I just wanted to thank y'all for sticking with me through this fic and I really hope you liked it :)**

**At last: Finals have started so I won't be posting anything these weeks, but in between studying, I'm writing a small story (AU) for my twitter bae and I have a pretty awesome storyline for another fic (AU). If you want to stay updated, you can follow me (here, Twitter and Tumblr are all @irontallica666 ) ^^**

**I love y'all very much I can't say it enough <3**

**\- Luci**

**_A last fun (not so fun) fact:_ the last chapters before the ending have all been pure sadness, and I can tell you: I have had this ending planned since I first wrote the storyline, so it has always been meant to end happy. (yes you may all hate me for making you sad and having no hope ily too. My name's Luci for a reason)**


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